Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Writing and the New Year

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Writing and the New Year: Wow! Profound words. Maybe I am a writer at heart, because that describes how I live. Aside from eating and sleeping well, the rest fits...

Writing and the New Year

Wow! Profound words.
Maybe I am a writer at heart, because that describes how I live. Aside from eating and sleeping well, the rest fits. I look at my life as a whole, and this has always been. I am highly competitive, instilled from my upbringing. We were a family of over achievers, never second and if we were, we were reminded second doesn't count. I was second a lot. I couldn't compete with older siblings that were more fine tuned than I.
I still find myself competing....if not with someone else, myself. To be my personal best. Instead, I trip and fumble my way into most given situations these days.

I am realizing I am social, lack tolerance for those that do not ask questions, but make assumptions. I have trouble with those that don't see the big picture. To my merit however, the Divine Dr. L has pointed out my views are not unusual, and my empathy and caring for others in check. Those that need help I am always there for, and loyalty to a fault one of my assets. He also shares my views on exploitation of the human element. The lack of in-depth views of our society, many simply brush away to the side refusing to see. He and I are very much alike......

We went out recently and he asked me three questions I had no answer for. I came home confused and depressed, but now I see they were presented in a way to help me think, make myself halt the brushing away my lack of insight. This makes me realize I had no tolerance for myself either, so analyzing some things today.
The New Year is coming, just around the corner....do we all have our resolutions ready? I have my list, and intent to put them front and center. 2014 will be my year, even if it kills me which it may, but as Dear Mr. Hemingway put it above, at the very least I will know I am alive as I will be dead soon enough.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Happy Holidays!

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Happy Holidays!: The Holidays are here, along with the weather. Kansas is one of those states that has two seasons, summer and winter. Along with this c...

Happy Holidays!

The Holidays are here, along with the weather. Kansas is one of those states that has two seasons, summer and winter. Along with this comes aches and pains one would wish to not acknowledge. Being 55 isn't what I had hoped for, was thinking a repeat of my thirties was expected. Ya think???? 

I took an exam on mental age, scored a 39 year old.....sometimes I feel like my kindergartners. Working with them for so many years, my mind works the way their's does. They are simple, honest, and ask a LOT of questions. I question myself mostly, have learned a lot about life in the past year. How men and women are so totally different. So much so I had to find my "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" book....and did purchase a book n the male mind. Wow....was that an eye opener. Well, I can't say I was totally surprised....my husband had warned me when we were talking about my future before he died. We married right out of High School, and neither of us dated much really. He was worried about me, as he knew he had done too much for me through the years. He did everything basically....and I mean everything.

Back to the future....

When thinking of relationships, I really don't know HOW to have one. I am finding myself confused on the mechanics of it all. Long, slow, getting to know one another is what I hear...but that's not me. I am feet first jumping in the fire. "Just do it!", is my motto on just about everything. One of my least endearing qualities....I learn this way. Rightly or wrongly, that's the way I roll. I could learn a lot from my dogs, if I would just stop to pay attention. I am looking at them sleeping away soundly, the old girl snoring. They are not concerned about the day at all. Just eat, sleep, and hang out. The weather is not the least of their worries, let it snow....ice everywhere, and I am stranded once again due to my middle son with the commute to work needing to use my 4x4 to get to work. 

Oh well, it is what it is.....there is much to do around here today. So making the most of it! The holidays are here!!! I am out of school til the 13th of January....so today is the day to dust off the old, and ring in the new. 2014 will be a better year!

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Huh? You Gotta Be Kidding Me

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Huh? You Gotta Be Kidding Me: I was home sick today, yes I work in a High School and it is indeed that time of the year. Flu bugs are dancing in the halls, air and j...

Huh? You Gotta Be Kidding Me

I was home sick today, yes I work in a High School and it is indeed that time of the year. Flu bugs are dancing in the halls, air and just about anywhere you can imagine. Kids are stressed due to their finals, especially the Seniors.....and I too had three of the toughest finals of my college career. So for sure all of us are susceptible to anything lingering. 

Hummmm....how do I begin with this one? Neither of the men involved read this blog unless it is sent to them, so I feel fairly safe in posting the seedy details. I say that with pure satire, but an element of truth <evil grin>.

My last post was on the one year Anniversary of my husband's death....how I found love again and so on. Soppy, teary eyed post. Truth is, it was a tough weekend....and spent mostly alone. My current main squeeze did come that Friday, we had a lovely dinner, wine and I was occupied. In the back of my mind I was counting the minutes until 12:58 am, when I had to witness and talk my dear late husband into the next level of life. But Saturday and Sunday were beyond difficult. I don't do well alone....one of my weakest most annoying features. You see, my house has always been a house of delightful chaos. Always a lot going on.....now, it was dead quiet. I wasn't able to talk to anyone, just needed someone here. Both boys working, and yes, I do have four glorious hunting dogs...but those particular days, they sensed my mood and kept their distance. 

I do still hear from the good Doctor I was dating, the divine Dr. L....he travels the world, and texts from South America, the Caribbean, Norway....wherever he lands. His trip to Texas, or was it Mexico... he walked a mile every morning to find a hot spot which to text.

Long story short....we agreed to see each other just for a quiet friendly dinner as he had something he wanted to talk over with me. I agreed, as you see...the Divine Dr. L and I have had no more than a handshake and gentle pat on the back....he is a gentleman in the true sense of the word...funny, 6' 6" tall....I look like a munchkin next to him. He is delightful, and loves my jokes.

 Well, things had changed with the main squeeze....we have had a relationship of admiration, fun, six months of on again off again....growing pains. But we do love each other....that fact just had come out the night before. I was in a quandary....my dear daughter gave me some good advice, and I gave the divine Dr. L a call to let him know things had changed in the months he had been gone. 

This made him a bit sad but he agreed it best to not go to dinner, as what he had to tell me was a bit of a surprise.....to say the least. So...what does an intellectual do? They write. What ensued was a manifesto of emotion. One I had to read several times to understand, as I had NO IDEA....either I am more daft than I think I am, or I just didn't pay attention. So, that relationship is still a strong friendship, we go to breakfast at the crack of dawn, share Black Friday stories, and laugh a lot. However....those feelings which he wrote of are not apparent in person, other than the beautiful Poinsettia plant he gave me. 

The bottom line is to expect nothing. Many of the people you will meet online or otherwise have been through a lot of experiences....most not so good. The best advice I can give is to be patient, and whether or not any relationship pans out to be forever or not...I have had that. I have been blessed with three wonderful boys...well, 2.5 as one is still going through some life lessons. He'll learn! Don't depend on someone else to make our life complete, that is entirely up to you....

til next time.....lost in Neverland.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: One Year Anniversary

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: One Year Anniversary: Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of my husband of 38 years. We had the blessing of 18 months to reflect, especiall...

One Year Anniversary

Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of my husband of 38 years. We had the blessing of 18 months to reflect, especially towards the end of his life. We had a rocky relationship, as I am not an easy person to live with. I am opinionated, stubborn, and don't always listen to reason....part of my makeup to buck the system and think outside the box. I don't conform to social norms, and my perspective deep according to those close to me. I tend to analyze the hell out of everything, instead of simply taking it for what it is. Now how would YOU like to live with that? Takes a patient person I guarantee you.

 In the end however, he understood......he told me how proud he was of me for rescuing all the wires for so many years, and he was a part of the decision making. Never did I ever remember him saying "let this one go" or not be concerned about their welfare. It was hard for him to go to shelters with me, as his heart just broke when he saw their confused eyes. He asked me never to take him again. When Peaches, a mama dog with pups came available...he was near the end of his life. I asked him what I should do...."is there any question?" Save them, bring them here....Peaches and her pups came in infected with distemper...which we soon found out. The short time we had them, they were loved.

I learned a lot in the past year, had so much support from family and friends, and so very blessed. I have met new people, established some extraordinary relationships. And deepened the ones already existing. I have learned initially to deal with memories not so good, and let them go. Focusing on the good is necessary for the healing of ones heart. And I promise you, when you are able to look at the big picture, there were those ten fold. The loss taught me to never take those close to you for granted. 

The one thing he persisted on was that I move on, meet a nice person to share my life with. He cared that much and derived peace with my promise to do so. I remember that night too well, and when he went into cardiac arrest talking him into letting go. It was his time, and we were all so tired......my children were involved daily with his care, and they too were stressed to the limit. 

When I decided to move on and write this blog, it was for self preservation. What started to be a funny journey....and it had moments of pure hilarity, turned into a blog of transformation. 

Take another shot....the camera of life. I did......how I found the courage to do so wasn't at the forefront of my decision. It was the extreme loneliness, a void no amount of travel or talking could fill. I saw and still see a grief counselor, she is a gift. While I went in kicking and screaming....has now evolved into a forever friendship. And I have found love once again....I love people, life, and to be happy. I can feel again, and the numbness is gone. I met a wonderful man that is the most caring individual on the planet, and we are just alike in so many ways...and extremely different in others. He is logical/pragmatic...I am, well....kinda a free spirit that doesn't always think things through.AND he is intelligent, neither of us can relate to many.... He has been the logical voice of reason and know he will always be truthful and honest. And he is patient.....and another most important factor, he LOVES my dogs. The feeling is mutual, as they dance at the mere sight of him. I simply don't exist when he is around....which is fine.

So blessed I am at this time of my life.....so very blessed. When all looked so grim and dismal, in walks one of the most loving persons I have ever known.  Do I think Stan had a hand in it all? Why yes I do....where ever he is, he is watching from time to time. And I know he is smiling in approval....he can now move on too, to enjoy whatever is out there beyond this big blue planet. We are all okay, his job done. His old dog is doing well for her 14 years of age, and she too has moved on. 

Embrace life....take another shot. 

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Gambling

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Gambling: This is my Papa in 1929....in front of my Grandfather's Speak Easy.....aka cover Barbershop on Walnut in downtown KC. Yes, it was a ...

Gambling

This is my Papa in 1929....in front of my Grandfather's Speak Easy.....aka cover Barbershop on Walnut in downtown KC. Yes, it was a sign of the times.....interesting albeit a bit vague, Papa shared enough to fit the pieces together, and did elaborate on his experiences as a child. His childhood wasn't the best, they traveled from city to city racing greyhounds on the circuit. I had Grandpa's bookie book....now THAT was an interesting piece of literature.

Gambling.....well, it can be an activity illegal or otherwise, and can be part of life. You take risks and gamble everyday even if you do not recognize it. Moving on with your life is a gamble, and some days is overwhelming or exhilarating depending on the circumstance. Embarking upon paths unknown takes courage, and I commend those that embrace it. I am like one of those scared children entering Kindergarten on the first day.....some rush in with vigor and vim, and some hang on to the parent's leg refusing to let go.

Maybe it is confusion on exactly "which" path to take, I do not have a lot of confidence in my choices, as I have been known to not choose wisely. So for today, I depend on myself to choose wisely. It's there in all of us, we just have to recognize it. Take a gamble, sometimes you win, other times you lose. There is no right or wrong, just lessons in this life.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: The Path

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: The Path:   Lijah Henley's Photos Photo courtesy Of Lijah Henley . An incredible young man that has traveled with National Geographic since h...

The Path

 

Lijah Hanley's Photos

Photo courtesy Of Lijah Hanley. An incredible young man that has traveled with National Geographic since he was 15. Now at 17, I had the opportunity to meet him in Washington State and purchased many of his photos. This particular one struck a cord within me, it is my life just now....and it will grace my wall very soon. Please take a moment to explore by clicking on his name directly under the photo. I think you will be amazed.

 

 

 

Blogging has been a very cathartic avenue for me. While I am so surprised when I get emails from those feeling a common bond, or words of encouragement, I know I can remove myself from my feelings while being empathetic with theirs. This helps immensely.....knowing you are not alone somehow snaps one out of the doldrums of the dark side of thinking.

 

The dark side of thinking is something I have fallen into many times. Plotting my own demise has been an on and off occurrence. Pulling ideas from mobster movies such as the slitting ones wrists in the bathtub, to hanging from the floor joists in the basement, or my favorite putting a gun to my head in the closet through a pillow to muffle the noise. All too painful or messy actually....so again thought about waiting til the first of the month when all medications filled and downing them all with some Russian Vodka. Now before you freak out and have me committed.....know psych 101 will tell you that those that talk about it beforehand rarely carry through with such nonsense. So no worries there okay? Just being honest.......

 

Yes, life is very hard just now....we are approaching the one year anniversary. The roller coaster is clanking with the climb, and the anticipation of the drop eminent. The unknown of such an experience is a bit frightening, an the anticipation of the drop itself is full of fear, yet the hope of survival of the fall with a positive outcome the successful outcome.

 

Moving on this past year has been an incredible journey.  I have done many things such as white water rafting on the second most dangerous river in the nation, to traveling to places I have always dreamed. I have met some incredible people, and yes America has the most interesting people on the planet and the most cherished to me. I have met and been put with people that have survived much worse, and yet I am amazed how they have coped.

 

I have tried on many roles this past year, some I will keep and others I will discard. Going back to school at this particular time in my life maybe not the best decision, but I have made the choice and must continue on and apply myself. I have a time management issue, a procrastination problem that was never part of my life before. This has been a bit frustrating. Today however, I woke up with a new understanding.

 

I was on the online dating sites for the sole purpose of writing this blog.....and free food of course! This I say with satire, but a bit of truth mixed in. I have met some genuinely lovely people, but also realize the safety of being alone. Opening ones heart contains the risk of loss, while many relationships do work, most don't. It's like having the planets fall into complete alignment. It's like entropy, useable to unusable energy. While I am attracted to risk, as I grow older and more mature do I see the emotional downside. Learning to be alone has been padded with some very good friends, one in particular. So for that today I am grateful. One day at a time.....only one minute at a time if necessary. The photo above depicts where I am.....I have a choice, to continue on this path of the unknown which is life or to give up. I choose not to give up, but forge ahead into the fog which covers my path just now.

The bottom line is this: We all have days we would like to give up on life in general. If we are to be honest, brutally....then we acknowledge this and move on. We have choices in life, it's called free will...it is up to us to choose wisely.

 

 

 



Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Over the Rainbow

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Over the Rainbow:     Remember that song...Somewhere Over the Rainbow   "Somewhere over the rainbow Skies are blue, And the dreams that you ...

Over the Rainbow

 

 

Remember that song...Somewhere Over the Rainbow?

 

"Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue,

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true."

 

 

Dreams are funny things, it's said dreams become thoughts, thoughts become actions, actions become reality. I wonder if indeed this is true? I used to believe it..now not so sure. The dedication to those dreams is all consuming, and what it takes to make them come true. Focus seems to be the key, and lacking that focus slows the process significantly. That I KNOW. If there is any one thing I can tell you, it is that dreams do come true only with total dedication and work.  I have become complacent.

 

At my age, I guess that is a way of slowing down, and leaning to enjoy life a bit. I have worked for years, and the plan was for me to retire this year....didn't happen. Yet I find myself scattered through so many things I don't do any one thing justice. So, what is the answer I ask myself? I am tired of being complacent, tired of my own excuses, and weeding out the ideas unattainable has become a type of purging. I had a role for many years, and now set loose on a new path. When I do decide what I want, I am going to give it the all or nothing.

 

I have lost 50 lbs., changed my hair, wear different clothing, and in the process lost a bit of my old self. The edge is gone, along with the competitive spirit. That is a shame really when I think about it, as many tell me, "you're the strongest woman I know..." Which I used to be indeed I believe.

 

When I set up my facebook years ago...my quote was ironically, "you never know how strong you are, until you have to be.." That was a startling revelation when I read it recently. My subconscious must have known something I didn't. I remember coming home from the hospital a few months back, and Steel Magnolias was on, I wept through the entire movie. I knew we had won a few battles, but were to lose the war. And we did......the cancer took over, and then it was finished.

 

The past 11 months have been hard, I have written about it many times, however now the reality is setting in, the healing process is based on forgiving. Forgiving those that have wronged you, forgiving yourself for the part you had in the wrong, As much as we believe or want to believe the other person is at fault in any given situation, we always have a hand in at least 50% of the problem.

After Stan died, we found paperwork I wish we had never found.....there were questions I had, with no answer. I think analytically and quite literally was beyond angry. I have learned recently, that it is of no matter, forgiveness is for me, and a way to set myself free to go on to my new path I have set for myself.

 

The unknown very difficult, I have to rely on my faith. Faith in whatever is out there guiding me, and simply turn it over. We cannot carry burdens alone, and this has been a type of epiphany. While I feel I have dropped the ball in many circumstances and I have, it is time to pick it up and throw the ball to home plate. 

 

 

Now for the relationship part....seeing something for what it is has never been my strong point. Looking beyond that dreamy ideal has been thrust upon me. Which is good actually, as it is never completely as one sees it. I  had the opportunity at the relationship of a lifetime, and I blew it. Basically as I was always dreamily looking for something more. When it was always here in my own back yard. But he is gone now, and at times I look back with regret.

 

Whatever baggage you carry, let it go....forgive, and move on. It's the only way I have found to make life work and to be happy. And with four wirehaired pointers, I am never truly alone. They make their presence known in a big way. Fall is here, and their instincts to hunt strong. Taking their day by day lead a good lesson, day by day slowly and methodically. We can't worry about tomorrow, nor can we dwell in the past. Facing challenges head on day by day, doing the best I can is all I can make out of life just now.

 

 



Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Juggling

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Juggling:   Thought I would try out my new computer. Yes, mine was 6 years old and on its last leg. I had it repaired several times in hopes to k...

Juggling

 

Thought I would try out my new computer. Yes, mine was 6 years old and on its last leg. I had it repaired several times in hopes to keep it alive a bit longer. It was like an old shoe, comfortable....alas, the rescue dogs and my own Baldwin had taken care of the key board in short order. In other words, they had knocked off the keys on the keyboard, making typing a bit hard.

 

 

I realized after my last blog how grateful I should be. I have everything I need, want and desire. I am better off than most, and aside from my obsession with shopping, I really don't need anything. I have my home, wonderful friends, family and co-workers. I love my life, and there is no shame in slowing down to be productive. School is a bit of a challenge at my age, and there have been some hiccups along the way, but tonight they don't seem as important.

 

Oh, the subject line is juggling....well, it could mean many things. Juggling life into my schedule, and juggling the opposite sex. Funny, as early on in this endeavor I was doing just that....juggling. When middle aged women get back into the dating scene, eyes are opened. As for every 50 inquiries, maybe two were decent enough to meet. Which again, I stress to save your money on dating sites. I happened to meet three very nice men, one adorable....one very serious....and one downright funny. The juggling came when all three wanted to see me on the same day. Blocking time and making sure they didn't cross paths was pretty funny when I look back on it. One coming in for breakfast....gone by noon and one there at lunchtime. And there was dinner....LOL. Boy repeating those times was stressful. The serious gentleman basically disappeared, until today when I got a text he was traveling the world. Being a doctor has its advantages.....What we all wouldn't give to be able to pick up and just travel the world. If it were possible I sure would.

 

 

So, for the time being I have cancelled all subscriptions to any of the dating sites. Too many inquiries, too many lonely people, just too much for me to handle. And I am in a relationship....

The kids adore him, and as time goes on I adore him too. These things are not carved in stone however. I know this...but having fun all the same, and enjoying his company to the point of not really wanting to see anyone else at this time.

 

I missed out on the dating scene when marrying my high school sweetie. Although we were young we managed, and had a tremendous friendship. I think he would agree with my choices, I believe I have made good ones. Learning how to manage the house without him has been a bit of a challenge, but am doing fine. My job is not exactly what I want, but as long as I can hang in for another year, I get a decent retirement and I am back in school to change careers. I am young enough to enjoy what time is left, and a generous employment would be the icing on the cake. I want double chocolate with chocolate frosting BTW.

 

My dogs have been such a source of joy. They all have their different personalities, Emma...aka officially Issabel Vom Himmelbogen is a trip. The performance bred drahthaar from Germany has proven to be one of the most cuddly. Balders aka Baldwin needs to be back in agility. He loved going to class and we do plan on it this winter. Gretchen, my love button sleeps with me at night and is the Grand dam at the house. Diva is her nickname for good reason. And old Holly, well she is still kickin at 13.5 years. What I have come to realize between all of my whining, is just this.

I have the best of the best, the whole ball of wax. All I need in the world is here in my own back yard. We take so much for granted, at least I did until this week. When I came to the realization I had it all, and absolutely nothing to complain about. I have met some incredibly interesting people along the way, the journey hasn't been easy....but life doesn't stop for those dull days of self pity. It's time....time to wake up and smell the roses, coffee in the morning....among other things. A nice glass of wine in the evening in the quiet, a good book, and doing a bit of study time is a luxury.

 

On the relationship....it's grand. He is a wonderful, thoughtful person. I enjoy his company and even if it is staying in for the evening a couple times per week, or going shopping....he makes me laugh, and that's all that counts. Pure joy is hard to come by these days, and I intend to not take it for granted.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Kinetic Energy

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Kinetic Energy: When one does a self assessment, or asked twice in one week, " do you listen to yourself?" One has to stop and listen.  There ...

Kinetic Energy

When one does a self assessment, or asked twice in one week, " do you listen to yourself?" One has to stop and listen. 

There is a great injustice to those of us that are allowed to coast through life. When all one has to do is to get up in the morning, have your coffee, and go about your day without a care in the world. My job has always been career, charity, kids, and little else really. This all came to an abrupt halt April 1, 2011.....I had to grow up, and take on responsibilities that were not only uncomfortable, but downright HARD. I had to add an entire list of responsibilities to my plate in regards to running life, and had to be sure not to fail. I teetered back and forth as I had to find the strength, thanks to my close friends that checked in daily. Their words of encouragement sustained me actually. 

But now I have dropped the ball in such a big way....I got through the worst (hoping the worst), time of my life to now ask myself..."now what?" I went back to school, and took 5 hours...thinking this was a way to occupy myself to the point I didn't have to think. Guess what? It didn't. It only added more to the ever full plate of my life. I can't believe I made such an error in judgement in regards to handling all this kinetic energy. I have to face the fact no matter how I feel emotionally, I am 55. Ugh....that hurts to even say it, think it actually. 

I am as high wired as my hunting dogs, which is good if you choose to have a full house of wires. Even they are looking calm these days as I look at my assignments online due like soon. The pressure of perfection has to wane somehow, I just can't keep up this pace. I think I am driving those around me crazy, my intentions good...however, there are few people capable of being patient enough to even want to be around me. 

Well, maybe I should go to India....ok, this is a new one for most of you that know me well. No, it's not a pipe dream, it's an orphanage. One started by the local Catholic church....I had talked to the main priest in charge some time ago, shortly after Stanley's death. Being an early childhood Ed. teacher, I have all the tools to share and promote a quality of life. Then comes the selfish part of me, or maybe it's self preservation...that I need a career to sustain myself the rest of my life. So, that's on the table. More decisions....

I have tried truly to self soothe....kayaking helped so much, I really need to get back to it. Life gets in the way however, and I am determined to make the time....I just have to. You think internal combustion really exists? I hope not, because I am to that point.

I recently talked to a really nice guy I had dated some time back. A fellow kayaker. I asked him point blank, "Why did we stop seeing each other?" His reply was, "because Mary....you ARE the big bang theory....you're kinetic." He simply was too laid back for all this whatever I possess within myself at this time. So any ideas are welcome from friends, readers, followers of this blog. Also, if there are any out there that have experienced this....let me know, tell me it will subside because I just can't seem to chill. I am to the point of burn out, and risk losing all of those relationships that I hold dear. I just have to learn to focus again, set priorities, and get back to it. I just wish it wasn't so unattainable just now. I want a quick fix, and it's just not going to happen. 

Oh and on the subject which this entire blog was meant to be based, just know that life is laid out is my belief, and it is up to us to do the footwork. Whether or not one finds love again, you must love yourself first....or it just isn't going to happen. 

Now time to face another day, rescue dogs need attention....and they are pawing my arm and nudging my elbow as I try to write this. We just have to possess faith that all will work out either one way or another, but always for the best.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Long time passing

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Long time passing: My wedding Anniversary was Sept. 7th.....the climate of the day pretty dismal. So, the best thing to do is to get to work. I found a hug...

Long time passing

My wedding Anniversary was Sept. 7th.....the climate of the day pretty dismal. So, the best thing to do is to get to work. I found a huge firepit, got 60 pavers, sand, and a few other things to spend the day constructing. Now, those that know me well will tell you I am about the most inept person in the world when it comes to construction, but somehow it all came together after twelve hours in 96 degree heat. Yes, I was determined to have a fire and a glass of wine by sundown. I started to wear my wedding ring on my right hand, a sense of security I guess, as the days have become those of reflection and the loss being realized. A life wasted? I am not certain this is the case, however there is one piece of advice I can give. Never, Never take your life for granted. Live, Love, and Laugh may sound cliche...but it works.

Moving on is so very tough, I started back to school....not sure that was such a good idea, but IF I can hang in there will be much accomplished. I have had  too many lost opportunities due to my complacency, and I can right any of those wrongs I at least will have to try.

The rescue is still plugging along, we do what we can and and go from there. I have a very exasperating foster...he is one of the toughest nuts to crack I believe I have ever had. There is a method to the madness however, and to the untrained eye those ideals are a foreign way of going about things. My own dogs are delightful, the four of them romping....Baldwin being chased by the girls, hunted and pointed actually which cracks me up. Poor boy....

I haven't been dating much and it for the best actually, It's not that I am not ready but in a relationship trial. What exactly is a relationship trial???? Well, not sure how to explain, but a solid friendship going somewhere, nowhere....time will tell. A wonderful person, none better....so why do I feel the way I do?
I do know I have been having a couple of dark days. Whether or not they will subside I guess is up to me. I have wonderful friends...but there comes a time one must stand on ones own two feet, pull up the the big girl drawers and forge ahead. I never dreamed I would be in this position, nor do I wish it on anyone. I am an exhausting personality, I tend to obsess over such things as bills....and am seen I think at times as a true weakling. Or at least this is how I see myself......

Firepit...not too shabby for a beginner

So life goes on, and as I try to get myself out of the funk of the day, know my next blog will be much more positive, or at least one can hope right...cause in the end that's all we got.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Change and Acceptance

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Change and Acceptance: My last blog was three weeks ago, and I have been mulling over the topic for this one.  I have been very busy, enrolled in college on...

Change and Acceptance

My last blog was three weeks ago, and I have been mulling over the topic for this one.  I have been very busy, enrolled in college once again and trying to get back into the groove of life. I have had  to make some hard choices, one being back in school and realizing I am not in my 30's anymore. I have been kayaking regularly, met some really great kayaking people. Mira and Ron are a couple in particular that started such as I have with a sturdy flat water kayak, now advanced to the streamline fiberglass epic for racing. Mira has just completed the famous 340 mile race from KC to St. Louis. Weekly 5K races held at the Shawnee Mission Park lake on Wed. evening, I toyed with the idea of buying an epic for its streamline design, and speed. I like speed, always have....and as most that know me well know I mirror the energy of my hunting dogs. In fact it drives most crazy that I cannot relax, and always on the move. My late husband used to throw his hands in the air saying, "I'm busy, busy, busy...." and laugh hysterically. 

When out on the lake very early yesterday morning, I was able to equate the lake and it's strong current to my life recently. Water choppy, fighting against the strong current....no smooth sailing yesterday. Lots of boats arriving for weekend fishing, and large wakes to face as they whizzed by. The bow of Swifty raising up out of the water as one must face the wake head on to keep from capsizing. That in itself was an analogy enough as I thought about it,  man.... this is exactly what I am going through. The current of my life has been very rough, facing head on the wake of change. It is not comfortable, and decisions had to be made....I am too young to be in this position. I always had the financial security of an engineer's salary to allow myself the past few years anyway to just sail through life, and although I am much better off than most....I have longevity on my side and many years ahead. The engineer dead and gone along with the salary.

I chose the wrong career path actually. Years of school part time yielded a career that paid little, and devalued the very core of it's educators. Early Childhood Ed. caters to the most important time in an individual's life. The experiences and connections formed through exploring options of cause and effect in a small child was always a passion of mine. However, if you wish to be single and support yourself on such a salary,  forget it. I met with a counselor, explored my options...doing cross referencing of credit hours and making a decision to go into the medical field as a physical therapist. I started with the sciences and labs, not going to be the slam dunk I thought, but will force me to focus and think. I find myself forming hypothesis on about everything, and comparing data on random thoughts.....funny actually, but a process my twisted mind goes through.  I also realized how difficult a person I am. On the surface, the happy go lucky high energy party girl that dives into everything all or nothing, to the deep thinker. The deep thinker is the side that most men find exasperating. Why can't I just be? Truth is I can't....I am not wired that way, and as I looked across the lake beach yesterday did I realize I am not meant to be with anyone other than myself....hey, that's OK. I like who I am, and trying to push a square peg into a round hole is not necessary. 

I am one of those eclectic individuals that value diversity in others, thrive on new experiences and respect the value of personality. I feel being with someone that has things in common boring....why would I want to be in such a relationship? Then it dawned on me, I simply cannot limit myself to certain activities, as I am always changing. It's not that I don't stick with anything for a time, as I am all or nothing....but add to the plate of life. I learn this way, growth is very important to me. I burn the candle at both ends,  I always have, and having this high energy is a double edged sword. My plate is very full at the moment as I contemplate adding either golf lessons or kayak racing to the mix. The outlet either would provide I find the necessary to calm the inner drive I have. I find myself reeving up into high gear again, and whether or not I can handle it at my age only time will tell.

I was going to write about a three month relationship I had just come out of, but there is nothing really to write. This man endured the worst of my personality, and being patient as he was simply could not in my opinion handle my bouncing off the wall. He had his own life, where I was simply an option...not part of the equation. I was great as long as he had nothing to do.....

What started as a possibility, and a connection I felt was stronger than any I had ever experienced, simply faded as it became abundantly clear how little I meant to him. My drive increased into other venues. As I got to know him did I realize his charm and caring was there for everyone. I was nothing special, actually I was nothing at all. I respect that, but had to really look hard at the effect it was having on me and then when I saw my children forming a connection, did I have to end it. They have suffered enough loss, and becoming somewhat attached to a man that had no intentions of remaining in my or theirs was simply not fair to them. They were asking when Ernie was coming back out, how glad they were he was in my life....but he wasn't in my life, nor did he seem to want to be. And I definitely was not invited into his.

 As he got to know me, I could sense his misunderstanding of my comments....he seemed to feel controlled. But we both have that personality trait...I have never made it secret I do have a strong personality, and close friends...male included simply know to defuse me by telling me to back off. OMG...I am writing about it. In all fairness, these are simply my opinions. No one has the right to own anyone else's feelings. Assumptions made from my experiences in the situation...

I had a dear friend come to KC yesterday, we spent hours laughing and talking about how bizarre some of my thought processes were. As there is no one on the planet that would want to live with me...LOL. Actually I cannot image anyone having the patience. My dogs I rescue mirror me, the breed no mistake. High energy, focused on what the task is at hand, and going for it. Just do it....was my motto long before Nike coined the phrase. The all or nothing has always been, and nor do I wish to change that part of my personality. I tried....and it didn't work. So, my only option at this point I surmise is to be alone. I didn't like it at first, but yesterday something clicked....as I looked across the lake,  getting ready to launch Swifty, something strong dawned on me. I am okay alone, I like my life....I love my life actually. My life is not limited....as long as it is just me, myself and I. I won't be putting others on my wild ride of  life, as they simply cannot hold on...nor would they want to. 

For the first time in months, as I laid in bed in that in between state of sleep and awake, did I feel Stan's presence. (My late husband)....although I was never easy, he always understood me. He allowed me to be who I was without judgement....and though his life was never really what he wanted from me, we were such good friends in the department of acceptance. He told me "good job." I had lowered myself into a form which I never thought possible..."A Friend with Benefits" .as I am so much more than that. I am actually horrified, but a stepping stone in life. My self esteem is back, and as I looked over the past months and all the mistakes I have made, what I have learned?
I always want what I cannot have. Maybe I see it as a challenge, who knows? My competitive nature possibly....an impossible Don Quixote conquest.  

The reality is I drive the opposite sex away, whether subconsciously or just being whom I am. It doesn't really matter, and I have quit trying to make sense of it.  If I am alone the rest of my life, then I am in good company.....I have marvelous friends, and will write about some of  the experiences of the past months next time. As I have promised Dear Dr. Lawrence to do so.....and no Dr. L...you are not a bad guy. You are a caring smart guy....when I text you at 3:am, you know something isn't quite right and check on me, which I am most grateful. So that is the end for now....I have so much to do today, and have to get to it....

I am calling this photo Lake Revelation ....as this is where I finally got it...

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Hell Hath no Fury

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Hell Hath no Fury: I have been absent for three weeks, mainly as I have been traveling, and doing some soul searching. My white water rafting trip to upper W...

Hell Hath no Fury

I have been absent for three weeks, mainly as I have been traveling, and doing some soul searching. My white water rafting trip to upper Washington state was a once in a lifetime. Not only did I see some of the most beautiful mountains, Rainier...Hood..Adams....and my kinship mountain St. Helens, but went on the most wicked rapids I could ever imagine. Level four to five, 6 mil. wet suits head to toe, jacket, helmet, life vest, and protective glasses. With the velocity of a car crash with 20' cliffs, impacting and bracing with total concentration of what our experienced guide Travis called out. 

(Travis and I)

this was fresh out of the

 wet suit and ready for a beer and dinner. I have to admit, I came back a different person. Facing possible death can do that to a person, and someone did die on that river the following week. My friend that so graciously booked the trip is an avid water rafter and will be pursuing white water kayak lessons. Being a triathlete and mountain climber, he will do well in this venue.

The trip came at a most perfect time....a lot was going on in my life, too much loss...and too much medication. Yeah, be sure your doctors communicate and office staff do not simply stuff notes and new med lists into your file and forget to share with your primary doctors. Believe me.....I had never bottomed to such lows, and without my close friends that give a rats ass, I may not be here writing this blog. 

I came home, and started looking for my own kayak. Not for white water, but cruising the lakes in my area. You have to be fitted for your kayak, and I was fortunate enough to meet a young man at Dick's Sporting Goods in Olathe, Ks....that was an avid kayak guy. Yes, perfect kayak found...oars fitted properly, vest, permit, and a few essentials such as a dry pack so I can take photos while out on the lake. I have rarely felt such peace in my life as when I am out on the lake...the sounds of the water gently swishing alongside bring a oneness with nature. The quiet intoxicating, and at the same time addictive. I would give nothing more than to just pack up, and go....set up camp where I land....it is one of the first times I have actually enjoyed being alone. One can think clearly without distraction, hear your own thoughts, and try to make sense of your life as it stands at that particular moment. 

Which leads me to the core of this blog.....the "bottom line."

The bottom line is this: when life throws you a curve, realize it will take a lot of time to recover from the unexpected. As my summer comes to a close, I will be heading back to work in two short weeks.....goody. Not really as I am only working for insurance. I do not wish to head back into full time teaching, so the time has come to make some hefty decisions. I am going to explore options in career changes, and focus on my wants and needs. I love the people around me, God what would I have done without them? As for online dating....don't expect too much. You will find either the good of the good or the bad of the bad. Characters you will meet, and I have been fortunate enough to make some incredible friends...those are the good of the good. The bad of the bad are simply taking up space on the planet.....and unfortunately they are the majority. The ethical and moral boundaries no longer exist, breaching the societal gates set up years past to maintain a sense of human decency. Most of society no longer has a conscience, but a need for self gratification. 

 I think this was my revelation.....and being whom you are through life's experiences does not devalue your sense of being. Don't ever let anyone tell you anything different. Listen with your heart, it full knows long before your brain figures it out.  

So the wake up call has come in the shape of a kayak named Swifty. Swifty and I plan to hit the water later this afternoon....for quiet and solace. There thoughts and ideas will be shaped into action. 

Next blog.....the "Divine Dr. L"....psychiatrist extraordinaire 

, 

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: "Firsts"

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: "Firsts": I know it has been a week since my last entry, and this blog has taken a bit of a turn. What started as a funny misadventure, and still is...

"Firsts"

I know it has been a week since my last entry, and this blog has taken a bit of a turn. What started as a funny misadventure, and still is...but that will come later.

Firsts...

When my husband was in his final days, we had many talks before the cancer invaded his brain. He was adamant I move on with my life, and being the naive soul I am, thought that would be easy. As in the death scene of "Terms of Endearment" ...Aurora Greenwood was overcome with emotion when her daughter passed as she thought the loss would be replaced with relief. It's not....

Each and every first has been a challenge. Birthday, Valentine's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, and the 4th of July....
The 4th crept up on me, it was a subconscious type of loss...the other's apparent, but what was it about the 4th? I think it was the smells of cookouts, families laughing, sounds resonating in the neighborhood. A trigger.....a huge trigger. Yes, it catapulted me into a huge depression, one I was totally unprepared for, because I was unaware. The best I could do was a fetal position with a blanket over my head....pathetic huh? 

I had some other factors going on in my life, and those did add to the situation, but definitely not the cause. Perceptions of those situations were somewhat skewed, and the knee jerk reactions that followed were a little bizarre to say the least...

I have been very blessed with a Grief counselor that listens and gently adds her perspective, asking if I agree or disagree. One thing for sure, and all agree....no serious relationships for two years. I will be seeing an "in your face" psychologist simply known as VAL. She comes highly recommended, and in three weeks I enter the hot seat. 

There is no weakness in losing your mind....if only for a short period of time. A person isn't human if they feel nothing after helping a loved one die from cancer. Friends that have gone through what I have know...and I value their perspective. 

"I want to move on....I want it and I want it now!!!!!"  Yep, that's me. I want to control every aspect of feeling, and motion in my life. It is a huge need just now, as it has spiraled, crashed and burned. Now from the ashes comes this person I surely don't know.....she is funny, a lot thinner than she was....hair totally different, style from kindergarten teacher to hmmmmmm.... not sure quite yet, but she is definitely different. And she has some nasty habits....

As the journey progresses....I will keep you updated on her transformation....maybe just maybe she will work her way through all this emotion....I am told by a very good friend "you are strong, and will work through this..." Jury is out on that one...hoping he is right.

One Misadventure....

To keep up the theme of the blog I will share one little story...
Gosh it is hard to choose...let's go with the Mama's boy...

Mama's boy was met initially oh a few months ago....OMG
Where was my judgement on this one? Public place, daytime meeting. I was traveling to western Kansas to pull a pup from a shelter I had been notified about. Passing through his town, I said, well....meet for lunch. 
Oh dear Lord, it was apparent immediately this was a huge mistake. The scary part is he is a retired government employee, and now part time teacher. This guy was straight out of "Li'l Abner"......The red flag should have been when he wanted to meet at "Hooters"...hahahaha

And he still lived with his Mother....at 50...actually he reminded me of Norman Bates...come to think of it.

Within in seconds, I had the creepy crawlies....and frantically started to text blindly under the table to friends..."Help!!!" A friend in her infinite wisdom, and I say that with utmost sincerely...simply called letting me know there was an emergency at home....Brilliant. I couldn't get on the road fast enough...

The lesson here is "don't be polite" ...that's how we get into trouble. My girl friends say as time wears on I will become less polite, and better at it...LOL 
If you walk in, and there is a nagging sensation, just turn around and leave....

Now I Must get busy....am going on a much needed adventurous vacation. Stay tuned!

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Getting Side Tracked

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Getting Side Tracked: Wanted to start my Monday morning with a blog entry. When examining current events of late, I came up with the problem with getting side t...

Getting Side Tracked

Wanted to start my Monday morning with a blog entry. When examining current events of late, I came up with the problem with getting side tracked through self exploration.

When trying on new roles in life, one can become distracted. Trying to mold everything back together has been a bit of a task I did not anticipate. I found myself in the thralls of depression, facing my limitations as a single mom, and taking on the day to day tasks of running a household. Going solo is something I never anticipated long term, and struggling to find that safety net became all consuming. 
In walked a few good friends...

Lucky is when you have incredible people with wisdom in your life. Those that see you drowning and throw you a line. Friends are exactly what I have been blessed with. Surrounding yourself with level headed supportive individuals, those that answer the phone day and night. They truly care, and I often ask myself what if anything did I do to deserve their friendship. 

I am an exhausting person.....have become scattered in my day to day. Yet those that have stood by me have been ever patient and kind. Most would run the other way, as my character flaws have been at an all time high...yet they stay, understand and calmly give perspective. Those that have known me for years know my strengths, and also assure me I will somehow become that Steel Magnolia once again. I have had many lessons in life, and wouldn't trade one circumstance whether good or bad for the world. Those experiences formed who I am, and those strengths are still there.... just being sent into the dark recesses of my being for a time. It's work to overcome and redefine...and I have crawled under a very heavy stone waiting for all of the new and uncomfortable feelings to simply go away, Now, I am peeking out from under the stone which once weighed a ton, to it being feather like. Today I am coming out of my corner of the ring in life swinging. I am indeed a survivor......

Attending the tasks at hand, running the rescue as I should....doing all the day to day seem simple.  Why I woke up with this mindset is due to a "few Good Friends..." This blog is intended as a huge "Thank you" to them. They know who they are.

I was described by my 17 year old as a "funny little woman..." This made me laugh and I find it very endearing. He has pointed out my changes and too lent perspective into my all consuming quest for normalcy. Facing the changes head on is what I am good at....taking a long look in the mirror and making changes in the process also something I am fully capable of. As Erikson pointed out in his theory of lifespan development, each decade has a mission. We grow and change throughout our lifespan. Some say they are set in their ways, this is simply not true nor is it possible. They are comfortable....and become stagnated. I had that choice, but am choosing to examine changes, slow down my hyper self. Think more methodically....thank you Ernie for that. As you have probably figured out, you are but one of the "Few Good Friends...."

Safety First

We have gone over a lot of info on self definition, and the pitfalls of being suddenly single. Now I do want to touch on some safety issues of online blind dating. 

One such instance I can recall putting my trusting self into what could have been a not so good situation. I went from a site where I would get a message now and again, to a site whereas I would get as many as 40 messages per day. As I read profiles, and do work with the public on a daily basis, I pride myself on being the utmost judge of character. For a time I had a dinner date almost every night, meeting all of these fellows carefully selected from lists of those wanting to meet. Most are harmless, and lonely. That to me is the most tragic part, the loneliness. Most only want someone to talk to, wife left...loss of job meaning loss of home and family. Many widowers that had yet to come to terms with their loss. Most times I felt more like a counselor than an actual date. The one such episode of pure mindlessness was when I met a photographer for a midnight picnic. Throwing caution to the wind I had just been dumped by whom I really enjoyed company....and had a tremendous spark. That's another blog however. Although the entire experience appeared romantic, bottle of wine.....cheese, blanket under the stars, it was just plain stupid on my part. My naive sense of security in my own judgement went right out the window....so don't do it!

What I suggest is a meet and greet at a very public place. Pay your own way initially.....even if your date insists otherwise. Paying your own way takes any obligation away from the mindset of either party. Chatting about family, friends, hobbies, and likes or dislikes makes for a good first meeting. Most times one can judge whether or not there is any type of connection. Most times not, as I found to be true. And although the one fellow and I had magic through the keyboard, in person was an entirely different matter. 

The vegetarian and the meat cutter. 

Now this was one such example. Magic through the keyboard, tongue and cheek playfulness, a real spark. When meeting in person in all fairness, he and I both had not a lot of interaction with social graces but silly nilly. I heard about the union strikes, about a loss of job with a large company of 18 years.  While I did listen, it became apparent we had little in common other than playful one liners online.  I am a vegetarian ....LOL. The description of the packing plant made me want to hurl. While we still talk on the phone, a very nice friendship has emerged and I am grateful for that. He listens when I have a really bad day, and is there most anytime I need him.

So to keep from rambling on and on as I have a lot of business to attend to today, just keep in mind to use your head, put your own safety first no matter how stable the person seems. Public places, drive your own car, do not give out personal information, nor your phone number or email address. keep it light. Nine times out of ten, the sad part is you will not wish to see this person again, and they may feel the same. 

We have reached nearly 600 readers on this blog in a mere two weeks, I do so hope this information is a help and eye opener for those ready to take the plunge into life once again!

Redefining Oneself....change is in the air

I gave this entry a lot of thought.....I did some soul searching. What I have come to realize is this. My life was intertwined with another human being, whether good or bad for 30+ years. So now, I'm like a hard drive that is totally fragmented. There's no mouse to click to defrag a human being however. Boy that would make it easy. One has to look long and hard at different personalities emerging...I kinda feel like a "Sybil."

I am awkward in new situations, the Sandra Bullock character from "Miss Congeniality." If I am not awkward physically, I get awkward mentally. I recall statements I have made, and wonder..."where the hell did that come from?" Sometimes insecure, I am almost childlike. Unfortunately, I see this as a weakness....and I get really embarrassed or put out at myself. Friends say, " God Mary, just be yourself...", but I don't know who that is anymore....I used to know, but not now. I feel all these personality traits swirling in my mind trying to congeal....

Just who I am or what I want for myself is still a mystery.... I've lost my edge, the drive that gave me the confident human being I once was. It just sucks some days....this is one of those days.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Little Black Dress, Spandex, and the Doctor

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Little Black Dress, Spandex, and the Doctor: When moving on with life, there are risks. Shutting yourself off from the world is easy for awhile, but the time comes one must get up and...

Little Black Dress, Spandex, and the Doctor

When moving on with life, there are risks. Shutting yourself off from the world is easy for awhile, but the time comes one must get up and face it. It's a scary prospect, one must muster the courage within to put life ahead of fear. 

Coming to terms with the fear of going on with your life isn't easy. Being the person I am, I knew one thing...I simply had to get into life once again. So, how did I purpose to do this? 

Well, meeting someone to have dinner with seemed a good start. Out of curiosity, I signed up for a mature over 50 dating site. One of the first men I met was a doctor whom we will call Jeff.

Jeff had lost his wife three years ago due to a pulmonary embolism. While he raised his daughter, and tried to cope with the loss of his wife, he encountered many of the same issues. He had an empathetic perspective that most did not have. Most of us have lost a family member, and it is none less painful, however losing the spouse is much like losing half of yourself. 

Of course Jeff's favorite place was an upscale establishment on the Plaza. While I thought about attire, knowing full well of the dress code, the only frock I had appropriate was the little black dress. I had ordered it some months ago, and put it in the closet. Knowing full well it was a size smaller than what I wore at the time. I needed motivation to continue my weight loss, and hey it worked. However, one must be forewarned of the cut of the little black dress with cap sleeves. I put it on, and quickly realized the front view awesome, side view not so much. 

I had a busy Saturday planned, morning appointments and my nails were a mess. I also realized I was in need of some quality foundations.....in other words, an ass crusher as I so affectionately call it. I have a very small frame, and can weight 96 lbs and still have the bulbous appendage. 
My most endearing physical feature. I say this with the utmost sarcasm. Photo shoot for future blogs, and book at two and meeting Jeff on the Plaza by four. What I opted for was basically a spandex bodysuit to squeeze what I had to a minimum. It worked, the little black dress looked lovely. Nails done in a french manicure, little black dress, black bag, shoes, and one awkward middle aged woman. 

As I rushed to get ready, one of the cups on the bra portion of the adorned undergarment was amiss. As I drove down interstate 35, I happened to look down. What I saw horrified me....OMG, one side normal, and one side beyond lopsided. What happened next  was straight out of "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles..." As I stuck my hand in through the cap sleeve, in a moment I realized it was stuck...there I was cruising at 70 mph in traffic. As I panicked to pull my hand out of the spandex adornment, I nearly hit the side rail....my life flashed before my eyes. 

Jeff was a huge guy, sweet with a strong handshake. He had arrived early and had ordered pomegranate tea. He talked me into the smoked salmon, which was heavenly. We had good conversation, and tremendous laughs. We shared our heartache, final moments with our significant other, and the trials of raising children without backup. I think three hours went by in the blink of an eye. One thing we vowed if we were to see each other again, was to not cry on each other's shoulder. We both needed to seek closure for our own sanity. 

Moving on is not for the faint of heart, but embracing life takes risks and courage. Each day I find a little bit of that courage.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: the Woman in the Mirror

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: the Woman in the Mirror: I was thinking of my next entry while watering the outside floral shop I had planted this year. As I want to keep this blog in chronologic...

the Woman in the Mirror

I was thinking of my next entry while watering the outside floral shop I had planted this year. As I want to keep this blog in chronological order decided to expose the "Woman in the Mirror."

After my husband's death, and a month of eating Panera bread at Hospice House....I didn't like what I saw in the mirror. Good Lord, I looked like Shirley McClain's twin from "Terms of Endearment." My drivers license photo was taken while all was going on and still make clerks jump when I write a check. A sweet young woman actually told me she had never seen a photo not resembling the customer as much as this one....Blessings my dear.

The truth was, I had aged through this experience. I mean, I hardly knew who I was when I took a hard look at myself. I had some wrinkles, love handles, and a dimpled ass. So, in light of the situation, I went vegetarian. Not a tough one for me, I had been brainwashed into thinking protein was only through meats....certainly not. 

The pounds started to fall off, and the woman beneath all that padding started to emerge. So, what was the next step? I looked at a lifestyle lift, they turned me down and said in a few years....okay, what next? How bout following up on some of the late night ads such as for the Derma Wand....a handy little gadget that sends shock treatments into the face to plump up wrinkles, and stimulate collagen production. Well, okay then....ordered with overnight delivery. Trouble is, I did not put on my readers, and thought directions said 15 minutes per day....
they said three. What I turned out with was a pumpkin face with eyes swollen shut like I had a bad bee sting allergy. OMG....I applied ice bags, preparation H to my face out of desperation...nothing helped. 

When I resigned myself to the possibility of being a cyclops the rest of my life, swelling started to go down....Thank you God! 
So what's next? Why of course trying to get rid of the saggy baggy elephant effect. Yes, you lose a fair amount of weight, and that's what you have. I decided to start running....of course I needed the compression suit, and special trail runners. The compression suit by the way, when you manage to pull it on....makes you look about ten pounds thinner. So worth the rolling around on the floor, bed, any hard surface while thrashing about. The Weather not cooperating, so the treadmill was put to good use. Holy cow was I out of shape, and still am but I don't fall off panting onto the floor like I used to. Most of you know my dog Baldwin, he has run the treadmill since he was four months old...so have a partner.

Next purchase was a a professional Diamond Derma-abrasion machine. With my skin condition, I justified the purchase. Looks like something from a dentist office, large and bulky. While I haven't used it on my face, (after the last experience), my skin is really responding. 

I won't go into the other multiple purchases on creams such as "face lift in a jar." They don't work...so save your money. 

The best advice I can give on moving on is this. Eat healthy, exercise, get out with friends, get a hobby, and most importantly...be comfortable in your own skin. We all have wonderful gifts bestowed upon us. Don't sell yourself short....I was trying to get healthy, and it is so worth it. I really feel great. 

Next entry will be on "the little black dress and the doctor" so watch for it!

Curiosity Killed the Cat

When my husband of 30 plus years died from terminal cancer several months ago, I was lost and lonely. While I used to derive incredible pleasure and cleansing from writing, all was dormant. I had chronicled his battle with cancer beforehand, his struggles, my feelings, and while I did receive cards and letters for which I was grateful, little could be done to stop the disease than engulfed his entire being. The one thing understood, was that life goes on, and he detailed exactly what he hoped for me. Having the mind of an engineer does that, no detail was left without instruction.

Loneliness in itself is a type of disease. One can be surrounded by the dearest friends and relatives, which I am so lucky to have been blessed, it's the day in and out of the simplest design of life. I made observations such as my suit from the funeral folded neatly and placed on the chair for months, half pot of coffee thrown out daily, and the favorite chair empty.  All the tough years dissolved into dust, and the laughter resonating loud enough to still hear in the distance. 

I was so blessed to have those 18 months of time, although much of it was full of suffering, there were more blessed times than bad. All said and done, future plans that would never materialize, hopes and dreams killed in an instant. The fear and embarrassment of being in hospice for those final days were hard to watch. I had to put on my big girl drawers, suck it up and confront doctors that refused to allow me to dictate his final days. I made a promise of no pain, and I was not about to back down. He lost consciousness on the Tuesday night before Thanksgiving, and was gone by Thanksgiving evening. Oh do I remember that evening far too well....he waited, and I talked him through cardiac arrest. Those moments have haunted me on a daily basis until I forced myself to move on as he wished. Don't get me wrong, they still creep in as I write this, is something I would not wish on my worst enemy. 

As I knew in my soul, writing being the one thing that helped purge unbearable feelings throughout the above journey, I decided to write again. Subject matter was debated for weeks, and I landed on the moving on aspect of life. I am a young widow, too young. This part of life too unbearable to even glance towards, purging through words seemed the most likely remedy to help me personally. Not for everyone, but my life has always been an open book. Those that know me I am sure are getting quite a chuckle just now. 

While I detail my experiences in the coming weeks, I will cover safety issues, personal issues, thoughts and feelings. One just has to go through it to understand all it involves. While I shook my head as I watched and judged friends rebounding from divorce as they grasped for that safety that comes from a relationship, did I realize the unfairness of such judgement. Some friends are stronger, some like me are people oriented. While I am told how strong of a person I am, it doesn't make me any less vulnerable. The invincible feminist  either never existed, or she became dormant in a deep sleep of self preservation. 

Believe me, curiosity did indeed kill the cat.