Redefining Oneself....change is in the air

I gave this entry a lot of thought.....I did some soul searching. What I have come to realize is this. My life was intertwined with another human being, whether good or bad for 30+ years. So now, I'm like a hard drive that is totally fragmented. There's no mouse to click to defrag a human being however. Boy that would make it easy. One has to look long and hard at different personalities emerging...I kinda feel like a "Sybil."

I am awkward in new situations, the Sandra Bullock character from "Miss Congeniality." If I am not awkward physically, I get awkward mentally. I recall statements I have made, and wonder..."where the hell did that come from?" Sometimes insecure, I am almost childlike. Unfortunately, I see this as a weakness....and I get really embarrassed or put out at myself. Friends say, " God Mary, just be yourself...", but I don't know who that is anymore....I used to know, but not now. I feel all these personality traits swirling in my mind trying to congeal....

Just who I am or what I want for myself is still a mystery.... I've lost my edge, the drive that gave me the confident human being I once was. It just sucks some days....this is one of those days.