Curiosity Killed the Cat

When my husband of 30 plus years died from terminal cancer several months ago, I was lost and lonely. While I used to derive incredible pleasure and cleansing from writing, all was dormant. I had chronicled his battle with cancer beforehand, his struggles, my feelings, and while I did receive cards and letters for which I was grateful, little could be done to stop the disease than engulfed his entire being. The one thing understood, was that life goes on, and he detailed exactly what he hoped for me. Having the mind of an engineer does that, no detail was left without instruction.

Loneliness in itself is a type of disease. One can be surrounded by the dearest friends and relatives, which I am so lucky to have been blessed, it's the day in and out of the simplest design of life. I made observations such as my suit from the funeral folded neatly and placed on the chair for months, half pot of coffee thrown out daily, and the favorite chair empty.  All the tough years dissolved into dust, and the laughter resonating loud enough to still hear in the distance. 

I was so blessed to have those 18 months of time, although much of it was full of suffering, there were more blessed times than bad. All said and done, future plans that would never materialize, hopes and dreams killed in an instant. The fear and embarrassment of being in hospice for those final days were hard to watch. I had to put on my big girl drawers, suck it up and confront doctors that refused to allow me to dictate his final days. I made a promise of no pain, and I was not about to back down. He lost consciousness on the Tuesday night before Thanksgiving, and was gone by Thanksgiving evening. Oh do I remember that evening far too well....he waited, and I talked him through cardiac arrest. Those moments have haunted me on a daily basis until I forced myself to move on as he wished. Don't get me wrong, they still creep in as I write this, is something I would not wish on my worst enemy. 

As I knew in my soul, writing being the one thing that helped purge unbearable feelings throughout the above journey, I decided to write again. Subject matter was debated for weeks, and I landed on the moving on aspect of life. I am a young widow, too young. This part of life too unbearable to even glance towards, purging through words seemed the most likely remedy to help me personally. Not for everyone, but my life has always been an open book. Those that know me I am sure are getting quite a chuckle just now. 

While I detail my experiences in the coming weeks, I will cover safety issues, personal issues, thoughts and feelings. One just has to go through it to understand all it involves. While I shook my head as I watched and judged friends rebounding from divorce as they grasped for that safety that comes from a relationship, did I realize the unfairness of such judgement. Some friends are stronger, some like me are people oriented. While I am told how strong of a person I am, it doesn't make me any less vulnerable. The invincible feminist  either never existed, or she became dormant in a deep sleep of self preservation. 

Believe me, curiosity did indeed kill the cat.