There is a great injustice to those of us that are allowed to coast through life. When all one has to do is to get up in the morning, have your coffee, and go about your day without a care in the world. My job has always been career, charity, kids, and little else really. This all came to an abrupt halt April 1, 2011.....I had to grow up, and take on responsibilities that were not only uncomfortable, but downright HARD. I had to add an entire list of responsibilities to my plate in regards to running life, and had to be sure not to fail. I teetered back and forth as I had to find the strength, thanks to my close friends that checked in daily. Their words of encouragement sustained me actually.
But now I have dropped the ball in such a big way....I got through the worst (hoping the worst), time of my life to now ask myself..."now what?" I went back to school, and took 5 hours...thinking this was a way to occupy myself to the point I didn't have to think. Guess what? It didn't. It only added more to the ever full plate of my life. I can't believe I made such an error in judgement in regards to handling all this kinetic energy. I have to face the fact no matter how I feel emotionally, I am 55. Ugh....that hurts to even say it, think it actually.
I am as high wired as my hunting dogs, which is good if you choose to have a full house of wires. Even they are looking calm these days as I look at my assignments online due like soon. The pressure of perfection has to wane somehow, I just can't keep up this pace. I think I am driving those around me crazy, my intentions good...however, there are few people capable of being patient enough to even want to be around me.
Well, maybe I should go to India....ok, this is a new one for most of you that know me well. No, it's not a pipe dream, it's an orphanage. One started by the local Catholic church....I had talked to the main priest in charge some time ago, shortly after Stanley's death. Being an early childhood Ed. teacher, I have all the tools to share and promote a quality of life. Then comes the selfish part of me, or maybe it's self preservation...that I need a career to sustain myself the rest of my life. So, that's on the table. More decisions....
I have tried truly to self soothe....kayaking helped so much, I really need to get back to it. Life gets in the way however, and I am determined to make the time....I just have to. You think internal combustion really exists? I hope not, because I am to that point.
I recently talked to a really nice guy I had dated some time back. A fellow kayaker. I asked him point blank, "Why did we stop seeing each other?" His reply was, "because Mary....you ARE the big bang theory....you're kinetic." He simply was too laid back for all this whatever I possess within myself at this time. So any ideas are welcome from friends, readers, followers of this blog. Also, if there are any out there that have experienced this....let me know, tell me it will subside because I just can't seem to chill. I am to the point of burn out, and risk losing all of those relationships that I hold dear. I just have to learn to focus again, set priorities, and get back to it. I just wish it wasn't so unattainable just now. I want a quick fix, and it's just not going to happen.
Oh and on the subject which this entire blog was meant to be based, just know that life is laid out is my belief, and it is up to us to do the footwork. Whether or not one finds love again, you must love yourself first....or it just isn't going to happen.
Now time to face another day, rescue dogs need attention....and they are pawing my arm and nudging my elbow as I try to write this. We just have to possess faith that all will work out either one way or another, but always for the best.
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