Over the Rainbow

 

 

Remember that song...Somewhere Over the Rainbow?

 

"Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue,

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true."

 

 

Dreams are funny things, it's said dreams become thoughts, thoughts become actions, actions become reality. I wonder if indeed this is true? I used to believe it..now not so sure. The dedication to those dreams is all consuming, and what it takes to make them come true. Focus seems to be the key, and lacking that focus slows the process significantly. That I KNOW. If there is any one thing I can tell you, it is that dreams do come true only with total dedication and work.  I have become complacent.

 

At my age, I guess that is a way of slowing down, and leaning to enjoy life a bit. I have worked for years, and the plan was for me to retire this year....didn't happen. Yet I find myself scattered through so many things I don't do any one thing justice. So, what is the answer I ask myself? I am tired of being complacent, tired of my own excuses, and weeding out the ideas unattainable has become a type of purging. I had a role for many years, and now set loose on a new path. When I do decide what I want, I am going to give it the all or nothing.

 

I have lost 50 lbs., changed my hair, wear different clothing, and in the process lost a bit of my old self. The edge is gone, along with the competitive spirit. That is a shame really when I think about it, as many tell me, "you're the strongest woman I know..." Which I used to be indeed I believe.

 

When I set up my facebook years ago...my quote was ironically, "you never know how strong you are, until you have to be.." That was a startling revelation when I read it recently. My subconscious must have known something I didn't. I remember coming home from the hospital a few months back, and Steel Magnolias was on, I wept through the entire movie. I knew we had won a few battles, but were to lose the war. And we did......the cancer took over, and then it was finished.

 

The past 11 months have been hard, I have written about it many times, however now the reality is setting in, the healing process is based on forgiving. Forgiving those that have wronged you, forgiving yourself for the part you had in the wrong, As much as we believe or want to believe the other person is at fault in any given situation, we always have a hand in at least 50% of the problem.

After Stan died, we found paperwork I wish we had never found.....there were questions I had, with no answer. I think analytically and quite literally was beyond angry. I have learned recently, that it is of no matter, forgiveness is for me, and a way to set myself free to go on to my new path I have set for myself.

 

The unknown very difficult, I have to rely on my faith. Faith in whatever is out there guiding me, and simply turn it over. We cannot carry burdens alone, and this has been a type of epiphany. While I feel I have dropped the ball in many circumstances and I have, it is time to pick it up and throw the ball to home plate. 

 

 

Now for the relationship part....seeing something for what it is has never been my strong point. Looking beyond that dreamy ideal has been thrust upon me. Which is good actually, as it is never completely as one sees it. I  had the opportunity at the relationship of a lifetime, and I blew it. Basically as I was always dreamily looking for something more. When it was always here in my own back yard. But he is gone now, and at times I look back with regret.

 

Whatever baggage you carry, let it go....forgive, and move on. It's the only way I have found to make life work and to be happy. And with four wirehaired pointers, I am never truly alone. They make their presence known in a big way. Fall is here, and their instincts to hunt strong. Taking their day by day lead a good lesson, day by day slowly and methodically. We can't worry about tomorrow, nor can we dwell in the past. Facing challenges head on day by day, doing the best I can is all I can make out of life just now.