Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of my husband of 38 years. We had the blessing of 18 months to reflect, especially towards the end of his life. We had a rocky relationship, as I am not an easy person to live with. I am opinionated, stubborn, and don't always listen to reason....part of my makeup to buck the system and think outside the box. I don't conform to social norms, and my perspective deep according to those close to me. I tend to analyze the hell out of everything, instead of simply taking it for what it is. Now how would YOU like to live with that? Takes a patient person I guarantee you.
In the end however, he understood......he told me how proud he was of me for rescuing all the wires for so many years, and he was a part of the decision making. Never did I ever remember him saying "let this one go" or not be concerned about their welfare. It was hard for him to go to shelters with me, as his heart just broke when he saw their confused eyes. He asked me never to take him again. When Peaches, a mama dog with pups came available...he was near the end of his life. I asked him what I should do...."is there any question?" Save them, bring them here....Peaches and her pups came in infected with distemper...which we soon found out. The short time we had them, they were loved.
I learned a lot in the past year, had so much support from family and friends, and so very blessed. I have met new people, established some extraordinary relationships. And deepened the ones already existing. I have learned initially to deal with memories not so good, and let them go. Focusing on the good is necessary for the healing of ones heart. And I promise you, when you are able to look at the big picture, there were those ten fold. The loss taught me to never take those close to you for granted.
The one thing he persisted on was that I move on, meet a nice person to share my life with. He cared that much and derived peace with my promise to do so. I remember that night too well, and when he went into cardiac arrest talking him into letting go. It was his time, and we were all so tired......my children were involved daily with his care, and they too were stressed to the limit.
When I decided to move on and write this blog, it was for self preservation. What started to be a funny journey....and it had moments of pure hilarity, turned into a blog of transformation.
Take another shot....the camera of life. I did......how I found the courage to do so wasn't at the forefront of my decision. It was the extreme loneliness, a void no amount of travel or talking could fill. I saw and still see a grief counselor, she is a gift. While I went in kicking and screaming....has now evolved into a forever friendship. And I have found love once again....I love people, life, and to be happy. I can feel again, and the numbness is gone. I met a wonderful man that is the most caring individual on the planet, and we are just alike in so many ways...and extremely different in others. He is logical/pragmatic...I am, well....kinda a free spirit that doesn't always think things through.AND he is intelligent, neither of us can relate to many.... He has been the logical voice of reason and know he will always be truthful and honest. And he is patient.....and another most important factor, he LOVES my dogs. The feeling is mutual, as they dance at the mere sight of him. I simply don't exist when he is around....which is fine.
So blessed I am at this time of my life.....so very blessed. When all looked so grim and dismal, in walks one of the most loving persons I have ever known. Do I think Stan had a hand in it all? Why yes I do....where ever he is, he is watching from time to time. And I know he is smiling in approval....he can now move on too, to enjoy whatever is out there beyond this big blue planet. We are all okay, his job done. His old dog is doing well for her 14 years of age, and she too has moved on.
Embrace life....take another shot.
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