Firsts...
When my husband was in his final days, we had many talks before the cancer invaded his brain. He was adamant I move on with my life, and being the naive soul I am, thought that would be easy. As in the death scene of "Terms of Endearment" ...Aurora Greenwood was overcome with emotion when her daughter passed as she thought the loss would be replaced with relief. It's not....
Each and every first has been a challenge. Birthday, Valentine's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, and the 4th of July....
The 4th crept up on me, it was a subconscious type of loss...the other's apparent, but what was it about the 4th? I think it was the smells of cookouts, families laughing, sounds resonating in the neighborhood. A trigger.....a huge trigger. Yes, it catapulted me into a huge depression, one I was totally unprepared for, because I was unaware. The best I could do was a fetal position with a blanket over my head....pathetic huh?
I had some other factors going on in my life, and those did add to the situation, but definitely not the cause. Perceptions of those situations were somewhat skewed, and the knee jerk reactions that followed were a little bizarre to say the least...
I have been very blessed with a Grief counselor that listens and gently adds her perspective, asking if I agree or disagree. One thing for sure, and all agree....no serious relationships for two years. I will be seeing an "in your face" psychologist simply known as VAL. She comes highly recommended, and in three weeks I enter the hot seat.
There is no weakness in losing your mind....if only for a short period of time. A person isn't human if they feel nothing after helping a loved one die from cancer. Friends that have gone through what I have know...and I value their perspective.
"I want to move on....I want it and I want it now!!!!!" Yep, that's me. I want to control every aspect of feeling, and motion in my life. It is a huge need just now, as it has spiraled, crashed and burned. Now from the ashes comes this person I surely don't know.....she is funny, a lot thinner than she was....hair totally different, style from kindergarten teacher to hmmmmmm.... not sure quite yet, but she is definitely different. And she has some nasty habits....
As the journey progresses....I will keep you updated on her transformation....maybe just maybe she will work her way through all this emotion....I am told by a very good friend "you are strong, and will work through this..." Jury is out on that one...hoping he is right.
One Misadventure....
To keep up the theme of the blog I will share one little story...
Gosh it is hard to choose...let's go with the Mama's boy...
Mama's boy was met initially oh a few months ago....OMG
Where was my judgement on this one? Public place, daytime meeting. I was traveling to western Kansas to pull a pup from a shelter I had been notified about. Passing through his town, I said, well....meet for lunch.
Oh dear Lord, it was apparent immediately this was a huge mistake. The scary part is he is a retired government employee, and now part time teacher. This guy was straight out of "Li'l Abner"......The red flag should have been when he wanted to meet at "Hooters"...hahahaha
And he still lived with his Mother....at 50...actually he reminded me of Norman Bates...come to think of it.
Within in seconds, I had the creepy crawlies....and frantically started to text blindly under the table to friends..."Help!!!" A friend in her infinite wisdom, and I say that with utmost sincerely...simply called letting me know there was an emergency at home....Brilliant. I couldn't get on the road fast enough...
The lesson here is "don't be polite" ...that's how we get into trouble. My girl friends say as time wears on I will become less polite, and better at it...LOL
If you walk in, and there is a nagging sensation, just turn around and leave....
Now I Must get busy....am going on a much needed adventurous vacation. Stay tuned!
Thank you rocky...much appreciated.
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