Change and Acceptance

My last blog was three weeks ago, and I have been mulling over the topic for this one.  I have been very busy, enrolled in college once again and trying to get back into the groove of life. I have had  to make some hard choices, one being back in school and realizing I am not in my 30's anymore. I have been kayaking regularly, met some really great kayaking people. Mira and Ron are a couple in particular that started such as I have with a sturdy flat water kayak, now advanced to the streamline fiberglass epic for racing. Mira has just completed the famous 340 mile race from KC to St. Louis. Weekly 5K races held at the Shawnee Mission Park lake on Wed. evening, I toyed with the idea of buying an epic for its streamline design, and speed. I like speed, always have....and as most that know me well know I mirror the energy of my hunting dogs. In fact it drives most crazy that I cannot relax, and always on the move. My late husband used to throw his hands in the air saying, "I'm busy, busy, busy...." and laugh hysterically. 

When out on the lake very early yesterday morning, I was able to equate the lake and it's strong current to my life recently. Water choppy, fighting against the strong current....no smooth sailing yesterday. Lots of boats arriving for weekend fishing, and large wakes to face as they whizzed by. The bow of Swifty raising up out of the water as one must face the wake head on to keep from capsizing. That in itself was an analogy enough as I thought about it,  man.... this is exactly what I am going through. The current of my life has been very rough, facing head on the wake of change. It is not comfortable, and decisions had to be made....I am too young to be in this position. I always had the financial security of an engineer's salary to allow myself the past few years anyway to just sail through life, and although I am much better off than most....I have longevity on my side and many years ahead. The engineer dead and gone along with the salary.

I chose the wrong career path actually. Years of school part time yielded a career that paid little, and devalued the very core of it's educators. Early Childhood Ed. caters to the most important time in an individual's life. The experiences and connections formed through exploring options of cause and effect in a small child was always a passion of mine. However, if you wish to be single and support yourself on such a salary,  forget it. I met with a counselor, explored my options...doing cross referencing of credit hours and making a decision to go into the medical field as a physical therapist. I started with the sciences and labs, not going to be the slam dunk I thought, but will force me to focus and think. I find myself forming hypothesis on about everything, and comparing data on random thoughts.....funny actually, but a process my twisted mind goes through.  I also realized how difficult a person I am. On the surface, the happy go lucky high energy party girl that dives into everything all or nothing, to the deep thinker. The deep thinker is the side that most men find exasperating. Why can't I just be? Truth is I can't....I am not wired that way, and as I looked across the lake beach yesterday did I realize I am not meant to be with anyone other than myself....hey, that's OK. I like who I am, and trying to push a square peg into a round hole is not necessary. 

I am one of those eclectic individuals that value diversity in others, thrive on new experiences and respect the value of personality. I feel being with someone that has things in common boring....why would I want to be in such a relationship? Then it dawned on me, I simply cannot limit myself to certain activities, as I am always changing. It's not that I don't stick with anything for a time, as I am all or nothing....but add to the plate of life. I learn this way, growth is very important to me. I burn the candle at both ends,  I always have, and having this high energy is a double edged sword. My plate is very full at the moment as I contemplate adding either golf lessons or kayak racing to the mix. The outlet either would provide I find the necessary to calm the inner drive I have. I find myself reeving up into high gear again, and whether or not I can handle it at my age only time will tell.

I was going to write about a three month relationship I had just come out of, but there is nothing really to write. This man endured the worst of my personality, and being patient as he was simply could not in my opinion handle my bouncing off the wall. He had his own life, where I was simply an option...not part of the equation. I was great as long as he had nothing to do.....

What started as a possibility, and a connection I felt was stronger than any I had ever experienced, simply faded as it became abundantly clear how little I meant to him. My drive increased into other venues. As I got to know him did I realize his charm and caring was there for everyone. I was nothing special, actually I was nothing at all. I respect that, but had to really look hard at the effect it was having on me and then when I saw my children forming a connection, did I have to end it. They have suffered enough loss, and becoming somewhat attached to a man that had no intentions of remaining in my or theirs was simply not fair to them. They were asking when Ernie was coming back out, how glad they were he was in my life....but he wasn't in my life, nor did he seem to want to be. And I definitely was not invited into his.

 As he got to know me, I could sense his misunderstanding of my comments....he seemed to feel controlled. But we both have that personality trait...I have never made it secret I do have a strong personality, and close friends...male included simply know to defuse me by telling me to back off. OMG...I am writing about it. In all fairness, these are simply my opinions. No one has the right to own anyone else's feelings. Assumptions made from my experiences in the situation...

I had a dear friend come to KC yesterday, we spent hours laughing and talking about how bizarre some of my thought processes were. As there is no one on the planet that would want to live with me...LOL. Actually I cannot image anyone having the patience. My dogs I rescue mirror me, the breed no mistake. High energy, focused on what the task is at hand, and going for it. Just do it....was my motto long before Nike coined the phrase. The all or nothing has always been, and nor do I wish to change that part of my personality. I tried....and it didn't work. So, my only option at this point I surmise is to be alone. I didn't like it at first, but yesterday something clicked....as I looked across the lake,  getting ready to launch Swifty, something strong dawned on me. I am okay alone, I like my life....I love my life actually. My life is not limited....as long as it is just me, myself and I. I won't be putting others on my wild ride of  life, as they simply cannot hold on...nor would they want to. 

For the first time in months, as I laid in bed in that in between state of sleep and awake, did I feel Stan's presence. (My late husband)....although I was never easy, he always understood me. He allowed me to be who I was without judgement....and though his life was never really what he wanted from me, we were such good friends in the department of acceptance. He told me "good job." I had lowered myself into a form which I never thought possible..."A Friend with Benefits" .as I am so much more than that. I am actually horrified, but a stepping stone in life. My self esteem is back, and as I looked over the past months and all the mistakes I have made, what I have learned?
I always want what I cannot have. Maybe I see it as a challenge, who knows? My competitive nature possibly....an impossible Don Quixote conquest.  

The reality is I drive the opposite sex away, whether subconsciously or just being whom I am. It doesn't really matter, and I have quit trying to make sense of it.  If I am alone the rest of my life, then I am in good company.....I have marvelous friends, and will write about some of  the experiences of the past months next time. As I have promised Dear Dr. Lawrence to do so.....and no Dr. L...you are not a bad guy. You are a caring smart guy....when I text you at 3:am, you know something isn't quite right and check on me, which I am most grateful. So that is the end for now....I have so much to do today, and have to get to it....

I am calling this photo Lake Revelation ....as this is where I finally got it...