The Best Outcome.....Strong women

the 3 most influential women in my life

I have been raised by a strong woman, one that never held back her opinions. One that thought out her opinions and had facts as backing. She at 92 years of age still speaks out on diversity, women's rights, gay rights, and politics. She voices her opinions with that calm exterior that captivates anyone listening. She has nothing to prove, and holds on to her belief system with resolve. I am a very lucky woman, at this time of my life to be able to phone her, and discuss such issues. She always seems to be able to put sense to my confusion. 

Now this leads to the photo above......today, I can look at these young women, and see all I have missed in my life. Their strong resolve, never giving up, their love of whom they are, and strength to tell others to "fuck off". Which my girl to the right did a couple weeks ago while lifting in the gym as he was being taunted by a fellow classmate. Along with their grit, comes the sense of self, and nobody runs over them. They have the ability to be leaders, and do so in their job, school and sports. They do not cater to a patriarchal society world view, but their own view and how it pertains to them. No male dominance here....ever. And this makes me so very happy...they live for themselves.

I was told women compete.....but the truth is I am so very lucky to have such dear friends and family that empower each other....not compete with each other. Our relationships are first and foremost, our lifting each other up when life strikes a blow. We compete over nothing, and empower everything.

We get up, overcome and forge ahead. I wish I would have listened  30 years ago, life would have been much easier. But I can derive joy from the examples of the women in my life. I am surrounded by incredible women, strong and intelligent. Needing no one when push comes to shove....they rely on their inner self. They know no limits, speak their mind, and seem to have inherited the gene from the matriarch noted above and lucky enough to have such a person in their life.

 So kudos to those women that know no limits, and push the envelope when told otherwise. They are winners, leaders, and deserve recognition. If you have such a person in your life....tell them "thank you" from the bottom of your heart. Society has crushed and warped the value of many young women. Some from political parties are still stuck in patriarchal ideology, and to those we can say "fuck off."   

Stay strong ladies.....what does this have to do with online dating? Everything!
#women
#strongwomen

Out with the Old

Ridding my storage room of the past

Much has happened since April when I published my last blog. I had the three year anniversary of my late husband's diagnosis, had worked through some tough emotions, and have somehow found peace. I have dropped the "Misadventures of Online Dating" from the title of this blog. I haven't dated anyone else in a year, and have found my soul mate. We had many ups and downs, trying to figure out the course we chose to take either alone or as partners. Both of us had gone through some of life's most difficult challenges, situations that I would wish on no one. I was going through redefinition, a journey that required a good hard look in the mirror. I had a lot of regrets, a lot of "would have, should have, could have." I read many books and articles designed to help those of us suddenly alone. I had to do a lot of soul searching, face my decisions of the past. What I learned was simple: there is no going back. We do not possess the power of turning back time, and we are human. Flawed and gifted, we all have the ability to move on, or remain in the past. I think the time comes when one has exhausted all analysis of the past, and then those fears and regrets simply become extinct.

My youngest moved out and went to college and shares his life with a wonderful young woman I adore, my middle son found a wonderful job and is currently looking for a home of his own. My oldest son and daughter bought an incredible new home and my Grands are excelling in school and sports. It's been exciting to watch them grow and become successful with their lives.

So many changes come with emotion and some uneasy feelings of anticipation. We simply have to move on and rejoice with the fact how very lucky we are. I will share with you a post oddly enough I picked up on Facebook. How very true and exactly where I am just now.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Anniversaries .....

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Anniversaries .....: Today marks the two year anniversary of my late husband's diagnosis. We had gone to the hospital the night before with him not being...

Anniversaries .....

Today marks the three year anniversary of my late husband's diagnosis. We had gone to the hospital the night before as he was not able to breathe. We came in with a dangerously low oxygen level, then down to x-ray. Within a half hour, they were wheeling him down for a CAT scan, our family doctor came in on his day off accompanied with pulmonary doctors. It all happened so fast, a frantic pace. They informed us there was something huge on the x-ray and CAT scan. Around 1:am three oncologists came into the room after we were settled. 

I remembered thinking, "don't they ever sleep?" I was naive in my thinking as the facts were not spelled out just yet, and the biopsy scheduled for the morning. I was told it would be closer to lunch, and at 8:am I arrived to find them wheeling him off. Dr. Burns would be doing the biopsy. I asked him if it was cancer, and he replied.."What I saw on that CAT scan frightened even me. Yes, it is cancer...but what type we will need to find out." 

As I sat in the family waiting room...my oldest son frantically texting me for information, I felt cold. I was  there waiting around two hours....and then Dr. Burns came in, grabbed a box of kleenex off the reception desk and asked me to follow him to a private room. That's when I knew...that's when the battle began. It was large cell stage 4, our only hope was to buy time.

I remember having to tell the boys, I don't recall if I told them everything. He was given 3 months. I flat out told the doctors, well... warned them actually to not hold back anything from me. Stan did not care to know the particulars, and that is how he dealt with it all. I on the other hand wanted to know what we were up against, and how to maneuver through it. On that day I became an advocate for a dying individual. That's a mighty big role to fill, and one I was pushed into. One never knows how strong you are, until you have no other choice.

Our battle lasted 18 months. He had a will like none had ever seen, and until he was ready did he go. I will never forget the support from my Facebook friends, family, close friends through it all. Was astounding the support we received. I remember going into hospice house early one Sunday morning to find my friend Ann holding his hand. He looked at me and said, "Ann's here, and she's holding my hand." The cancer had gone into his brain, and he was childlike in many ways. He was so sweet, and kept his humor til the end. The nurses loved him so, one in particular named Cheryl. He chose to die on Cheryl's shift, with Tim another nurse. 

Cheryl had sent me home to get some sleep, it was Thanksgiving and Jason my oldest had cooked dinner that evening. I checked in at 9:30 pm, and he was unconscious. She told me to rest and she would call with any change. I was drifting into a deep sleep when my phone rang. It was Cheryl, and I was to come immediately. 

I fumbled for my phone while driving, and for the life of me I swear it was not in my purse. I dumped my purse out on the seat and I know it was not there. As I look back now, that was no mistake because when it was all over, and I sat next to his dead body, I looked down and there it was in plain sight on top of all of my junk in the purse. He hadn't wanted me to call the kids, this was our time alone.

Stan had one foot on either side for a couple of days. He was visiting with his loved ones that had passed on. Eyes closed, he shared their conversations and allowed me to speak to them through him. The Hospice House was a magical place I was told by one of the doctors, and indeed it was. 

Cheryl and Tim stayed with me as I requested. I rubbed his arm, stroked his hair and told him to go into the light. I was given holy water blessed by a bishop that I had been giving him on a sponge as he could no longer swallow. Cheryl then called the kids....we knew it would be a matter of minutes. She asked Tim to get her stethoscope....his heart had stopped, but he kept breathing. Then it all stopped. It was finally over.

I called my youngest, and the first thing out of his mouth was, "is it over?" Jason and his wife Tess came in just after he had passed. I told them, "he's gone." It didn't register with them, and I had to repeat. 

We sat with his body for three hours, and by 4:am we had to allow them to get him ready to be picked up by the funeral home. The lights flickered once or twice before we left....which Stan said he would do. We knew he was okay, and had made it. 

Tess followed me home, I made coffee, as Jason was to pick me up to go make arrangements at 9:am. Stan didn't want a funeral, but we did a wonderful memorial service which was standing room only. Friends, co-workers, bosses all spoke so eloquently to all of us. He was so very respected and loved. One of my dearest friends made Stan's urn, not knowing just one year later he would also pass. 

Writing about this is cathartic....just an anniversary that had crept up on me. Looking back, I do not see how we got through it. Just know your life can change forever in just one day. Don't take those you love for granted.....rejoice in each and every day. Tell them you love them, and embrace every moment. 

Fools Rush IN..

Hummmmm...."Fools Rush In" ....

I have had to do a lot of soul searching lately. I do not consider myself in a tight relationship anymore due to being turned off by lack of courage and commitment . When a relationship is good as it gets, and is constantly being reduced to rubble, it's time to take personal inventory. 

Maybe "I" am the problem...or maybe not. I want the relationship from the "Notebook"....because that is what I had for a time in my marriage with my late husband. So maybe I will have to be satisfied with that. I guess I would rather have a few years of "Special", than a lifetime of mundane and second guessing.

Do I rush in? Most likely.....I live that way, I learn through those experiences. If a relationship is awesome...then go with it. If feelings are not on equal ground....then it's a no win. Best to move on in those circumstances because it just isn't going to work. 

Beware of a partner that takes no responsibility for failed relationships....truth be known it takes two. Of course most all of us know this already. A crack forms due to fallout from mistakes made, and never truly reconciled. It takes a lot of communication, and if your current partner refuses to hear you, or huffs and puffs at the thought of discussing a concern you have, then is the time to take inventory. Even if it is your own. Make a pro/con list and be honest. Take a good look at your list.....it's tough but you owe it to yourself to do it.

The best advice I have gotten lately has been to look within. What makes YOU happy....what do YOU want out of life? When YOU are courageous enough to cease to rely on others for your happiness, and actually fulfill YOUR life the answers come. 

I don't have time for it all. My plate is so full, and I am so busy. And again the worst type of loneliness is being in a relationship that makes one feel lonely. 

#relationships, #life, #Love

It's Complicated

Well, he said I couldn't use his name.....he forgot to mention a photo. (evil grin) While he is a darling, sweet, generous man, he is also one of the most complicated individuals I have ever encountered. We are, from my perspective, very dear friends. He says we are more than friends...and we are, neither of us can pinpoint exactly "what" we are. We're both middle age, both gone through some tough experiences, and the relationship complicated to define. We see each other as often as possible, but with weather and the drive, we will have less time together. When the spring comes, he'll be on the golf course....and I'll be on the lake kayaking, at the horse barn, or at the field with the dogs on sunny days. We have committed to make the time, and still have time for ourselves. I think that's what works here, being respectful and self confident enough to live our lives as partners and individuals.

When relationships are new, there are some tough hurdles when getting to know each other. Especially when  two stubborn individuals set in ways of thinking find each other. While I enjoy differences, debating thoughts and current events, things can get a bit sticky. Besides, "E" doesn't like questions. I taught preschool, K4 & K5 for many years, and face it....we ask questions. In depth conversations I so enjoy are somewhat rare, but when we have them....pure gold.

 I was dumped by my grief counselor, she saw no more need for us to continue. She helped me through some very tough moments, and I will be forever grateful.  I am just starting to branch out and settle down. I am finding my old self, and more secure the world won't stop turning if this or any relationship wouldn't work out. I had to look within myself for that person that was once a go getter, a hardcore "enjoy each moment" person. When my husband died, it shook me to the core. Finding oneself is a difficult task for some after so many years of a particular role. Being alone difficult for some of us, and resolving oneself to learn to be alone, and still happy has finally cracked the surface. The secret is to simply look in the mirror, and give yourself time. You can't be happy with anyone else, until you are genuinely happy with yourself. And most importantly, you must have faith.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Writing and the New Year

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Writing and the New Year: Wow! Profound words. Maybe I am a writer at heart, because that describes how I live. Aside from eating and sleeping well, the rest fits...

Writing and the New Year

Wow! Profound words.
Maybe I am a writer at heart, because that describes how I live. Aside from eating and sleeping well, the rest fits. I look at my life as a whole, and this has always been. I am highly competitive, instilled from my upbringing. We were a family of over achievers, never second and if we were, we were reminded second doesn't count. I was second a lot. I couldn't compete with older siblings that were more fine tuned than I.
I still find myself competing....if not with someone else, myself. To be my personal best. Instead, I trip and fumble my way into most given situations these days.

I am realizing I am social, lack tolerance for those that do not ask questions, but make assumptions. I have trouble with those that don't see the big picture. To my merit however, the Divine Dr. L has pointed out my views are not unusual, and my empathy and caring for others in check. Those that need help I am always there for, and loyalty to a fault one of my assets. He also shares my views on exploitation of the human element. The lack of in-depth views of our society, many simply brush away to the side refusing to see. He and I are very much alike......

We went out recently and he asked me three questions I had no answer for. I came home confused and depressed, but now I see they were presented in a way to help me think, make myself halt the brushing away my lack of insight. This makes me realize I had no tolerance for myself either, so analyzing some things today.
The New Year is coming, just around the corner....do we all have our resolutions ready? I have my list, and intent to put them front and center. 2014 will be my year, even if it kills me which it may, but as Dear Mr. Hemingway put it above, at the very least I will know I am alive as I will be dead soon enough.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Happy Holidays!

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Happy Holidays!: The Holidays are here, along with the weather. Kansas is one of those states that has two seasons, summer and winter. Along with this c...

Happy Holidays!

The Holidays are here, along with the weather. Kansas is one of those states that has two seasons, summer and winter. Along with this comes aches and pains one would wish to not acknowledge. Being 55 isn't what I had hoped for, was thinking a repeat of my thirties was expected. Ya think???? 

I took an exam on mental age, scored a 39 year old.....sometimes I feel like my kindergartners. Working with them for so many years, my mind works the way their's does. They are simple, honest, and ask a LOT of questions. I question myself mostly, have learned a lot about life in the past year. How men and women are so totally different. So much so I had to find my "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" book....and did purchase a book n the male mind. Wow....was that an eye opener. Well, I can't say I was totally surprised....my husband had warned me when we were talking about my future before he died. We married right out of High School, and neither of us dated much really. He was worried about me, as he knew he had done too much for me through the years. He did everything basically....and I mean everything.

Back to the future....

When thinking of relationships, I really don't know HOW to have one. I am finding myself confused on the mechanics of it all. Long, slow, getting to know one another is what I hear...but that's not me. I am feet first jumping in the fire. "Just do it!", is my motto on just about everything. One of my least endearing qualities....I learn this way. Rightly or wrongly, that's the way I roll. I could learn a lot from my dogs, if I would just stop to pay attention. I am looking at them sleeping away soundly, the old girl snoring. They are not concerned about the day at all. Just eat, sleep, and hang out. The weather is not the least of their worries, let it snow....ice everywhere, and I am stranded once again due to my middle son with the commute to work needing to use my 4x4 to get to work. 

Oh well, it is what it is.....there is much to do around here today. So making the most of it! The holidays are here!!! I am out of school til the 13th of January....so today is the day to dust off the old, and ring in the new. 2014 will be a better year!

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Huh? You Gotta Be Kidding Me

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Huh? You Gotta Be Kidding Me: I was home sick today, yes I work in a High School and it is indeed that time of the year. Flu bugs are dancing in the halls, air and j...

Huh? You Gotta Be Kidding Me

I was home sick today, yes I work in a High School and it is indeed that time of the year. Flu bugs are dancing in the halls, air and just about anywhere you can imagine. Kids are stressed due to their finals, especially the Seniors.....and I too had three of the toughest finals of my college career. So for sure all of us are susceptible to anything lingering. 

Hummmm....how do I begin with this one? Neither of the men involved read this blog unless it is sent to them, so I feel fairly safe in posting the seedy details. I say that with pure satire, but an element of truth <evil grin>.

My last post was on the one year Anniversary of my husband's death....how I found love again and so on. Soppy, teary eyed post. Truth is, it was a tough weekend....and spent mostly alone. My current main squeeze did come that Friday, we had a lovely dinner, wine and I was occupied. In the back of my mind I was counting the minutes until 12:58 am, when I had to witness and talk my dear late husband into the next level of life. But Saturday and Sunday were beyond difficult. I don't do well alone....one of my weakest most annoying features. You see, my house has always been a house of delightful chaos. Always a lot going on.....now, it was dead quiet. I wasn't able to talk to anyone, just needed someone here. Both boys working, and yes, I do have four glorious hunting dogs...but those particular days, they sensed my mood and kept their distance. 

I do still hear from the good Doctor I was dating, the divine Dr. L....he travels the world, and texts from South America, the Caribbean, Norway....wherever he lands. His trip to Texas, or was it Mexico... he walked a mile every morning to find a hot spot which to text.

Long story short....we agreed to see each other just for a quiet friendly dinner as he had something he wanted to talk over with me. I agreed, as you see...the Divine Dr. L and I have had no more than a handshake and gentle pat on the back....he is a gentleman in the true sense of the word...funny, 6' 6" tall....I look like a munchkin next to him. He is delightful, and loves my jokes.

 Well, things had changed with the main squeeze....we have had a relationship of admiration, fun, six months of on again off again....growing pains. But we do love each other....that fact just had come out the night before. I was in a quandary....my dear daughter gave me some good advice, and I gave the divine Dr. L a call to let him know things had changed in the months he had been gone. 

This made him a bit sad but he agreed it best to not go to dinner, as what he had to tell me was a bit of a surprise.....to say the least. So...what does an intellectual do? They write. What ensued was a manifesto of emotion. One I had to read several times to understand, as I had NO IDEA....either I am more daft than I think I am, or I just didn't pay attention. So, that relationship is still a strong friendship, we go to breakfast at the crack of dawn, share Black Friday stories, and laugh a lot. However....those feelings which he wrote of are not apparent in person, other than the beautiful Poinsettia plant he gave me. 

The bottom line is to expect nothing. Many of the people you will meet online or otherwise have been through a lot of experiences....most not so good. The best advice I can give is to be patient, and whether or not any relationship pans out to be forever or not...I have had that. I have been blessed with three wonderful boys...well, 2.5 as one is still going through some life lessons. He'll learn! Don't depend on someone else to make our life complete, that is entirely up to you....

til next time.....lost in Neverland.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: One Year Anniversary

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: One Year Anniversary: Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of my husband of 38 years. We had the blessing of 18 months to reflect, especiall...

One Year Anniversary

Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of my husband of 38 years. We had the blessing of 18 months to reflect, especially towards the end of his life. We had a rocky relationship, as I am not an easy person to live with. I am opinionated, stubborn, and don't always listen to reason....part of my makeup to buck the system and think outside the box. I don't conform to social norms, and my perspective deep according to those close to me. I tend to analyze the hell out of everything, instead of simply taking it for what it is. Now how would YOU like to live with that? Takes a patient person I guarantee you.

 In the end however, he understood......he told me how proud he was of me for rescuing all the wires for so many years, and he was a part of the decision making. Never did I ever remember him saying "let this one go" or not be concerned about their welfare. It was hard for him to go to shelters with me, as his heart just broke when he saw their confused eyes. He asked me never to take him again. When Peaches, a mama dog with pups came available...he was near the end of his life. I asked him what I should do...."is there any question?" Save them, bring them here....Peaches and her pups came in infected with distemper...which we soon found out. The short time we had them, they were loved.

I learned a lot in the past year, had so much support from family and friends, and so very blessed. I have met new people, established some extraordinary relationships. And deepened the ones already existing. I have learned initially to deal with memories not so good, and let them go. Focusing on the good is necessary for the healing of ones heart. And I promise you, when you are able to look at the big picture, there were those ten fold. The loss taught me to never take those close to you for granted. 

The one thing he persisted on was that I move on, meet a nice person to share my life with. He cared that much and derived peace with my promise to do so. I remember that night too well, and when he went into cardiac arrest talking him into letting go. It was his time, and we were all so tired......my children were involved daily with his care, and they too were stressed to the limit. 

When I decided to move on and write this blog, it was for self preservation. What started to be a funny journey....and it had moments of pure hilarity, turned into a blog of transformation. 

Take another shot....the camera of life. I did......how I found the courage to do so wasn't at the forefront of my decision. It was the extreme loneliness, a void no amount of travel or talking could fill. I saw and still see a grief counselor, she is a gift. While I went in kicking and screaming....has now evolved into a forever friendship. And I have found love once again....I love people, life, and to be happy. I can feel again, and the numbness is gone. I met a wonderful man that is the most caring individual on the planet, and we are just alike in so many ways...and extremely different in others. He is logical/pragmatic...I am, well....kinda a free spirit that doesn't always think things through.AND he is intelligent, neither of us can relate to many.... He has been the logical voice of reason and know he will always be truthful and honest. And he is patient.....and another most important factor, he LOVES my dogs. The feeling is mutual, as they dance at the mere sight of him. I simply don't exist when he is around....which is fine.

So blessed I am at this time of my life.....so very blessed. When all looked so grim and dismal, in walks one of the most loving persons I have ever known.  Do I think Stan had a hand in it all? Why yes I do....where ever he is, he is watching from time to time. And I know he is smiling in approval....he can now move on too, to enjoy whatever is out there beyond this big blue planet. We are all okay, his job done. His old dog is doing well for her 14 years of age, and she too has moved on. 

Embrace life....take another shot. 

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Gambling

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Gambling: This is my Papa in 1929....in front of my Grandfather's Speak Easy.....aka cover Barbershop on Walnut in downtown KC. Yes, it was a ...

Gambling

This is my Papa in 1929....in front of my Grandfather's Speak Easy.....aka cover Barbershop on Walnut in downtown KC. Yes, it was a sign of the times.....interesting albeit a bit vague, Papa shared enough to fit the pieces together, and did elaborate on his experiences as a child. His childhood wasn't the best, they traveled from city to city racing greyhounds on the circuit. I had Grandpa's bookie book....now THAT was an interesting piece of literature.

Gambling.....well, it can be an activity illegal or otherwise, and can be part of life. You take risks and gamble everyday even if you do not recognize it. Moving on with your life is a gamble, and some days is overwhelming or exhilarating depending on the circumstance. Embarking upon paths unknown takes courage, and I commend those that embrace it. I am like one of those scared children entering Kindergarten on the first day.....some rush in with vigor and vim, and some hang on to the parent's leg refusing to let go.

Maybe it is confusion on exactly "which" path to take, I do not have a lot of confidence in my choices, as I have been known to not choose wisely. So for today, I depend on myself to choose wisely. It's there in all of us, we just have to recognize it. Take a gamble, sometimes you win, other times you lose. There is no right or wrong, just lessons in this life.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: The Path

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: The Path:   Lijah Henley's Photos Photo courtesy Of Lijah Henley . An incredible young man that has traveled with National Geographic since h...

The Path

 

Lijah Hanley's Photos

Photo courtesy Of Lijah Hanley. An incredible young man that has traveled with National Geographic since he was 15. Now at 17, I had the opportunity to meet him in Washington State and purchased many of his photos. This particular one struck a cord within me, it is my life just now....and it will grace my wall very soon. Please take a moment to explore by clicking on his name directly under the photo. I think you will be amazed.

 

 

 

Blogging has been a very cathartic avenue for me. While I am so surprised when I get emails from those feeling a common bond, or words of encouragement, I know I can remove myself from my feelings while being empathetic with theirs. This helps immensely.....knowing you are not alone somehow snaps one out of the doldrums of the dark side of thinking.

 

The dark side of thinking is something I have fallen into many times. Plotting my own demise has been an on and off occurrence. Pulling ideas from mobster movies such as the slitting ones wrists in the bathtub, to hanging from the floor joists in the basement, or my favorite putting a gun to my head in the closet through a pillow to muffle the noise. All too painful or messy actually....so again thought about waiting til the first of the month when all medications filled and downing them all with some Russian Vodka. Now before you freak out and have me committed.....know psych 101 will tell you that those that talk about it beforehand rarely carry through with such nonsense. So no worries there okay? Just being honest.......

 

Yes, life is very hard just now....we are approaching the one year anniversary. The roller coaster is clanking with the climb, and the anticipation of the drop eminent. The unknown of such an experience is a bit frightening, an the anticipation of the drop itself is full of fear, yet the hope of survival of the fall with a positive outcome the successful outcome.

 

Moving on this past year has been an incredible journey.  I have done many things such as white water rafting on the second most dangerous river in the nation, to traveling to places I have always dreamed. I have met some incredible people, and yes America has the most interesting people on the planet and the most cherished to me. I have met and been put with people that have survived much worse, and yet I am amazed how they have coped.

 

I have tried on many roles this past year, some I will keep and others I will discard. Going back to school at this particular time in my life maybe not the best decision, but I have made the choice and must continue on and apply myself. I have a time management issue, a procrastination problem that was never part of my life before. This has been a bit frustrating. Today however, I woke up with a new understanding.

 

I was on the online dating sites for the sole purpose of writing this blog.....and free food of course! This I say with satire, but a bit of truth mixed in. I have met some genuinely lovely people, but also realize the safety of being alone. Opening ones heart contains the risk of loss, while many relationships do work, most don't. It's like having the planets fall into complete alignment. It's like entropy, useable to unusable energy. While I am attracted to risk, as I grow older and more mature do I see the emotional downside. Learning to be alone has been padded with some very good friends, one in particular. So for that today I am grateful. One day at a time.....only one minute at a time if necessary. The photo above depicts where I am.....I have a choice, to continue on this path of the unknown which is life or to give up. I choose not to give up, but forge ahead into the fog which covers my path just now.

The bottom line is this: We all have days we would like to give up on life in general. If we are to be honest, brutally....then we acknowledge this and move on. We have choices in life, it's called free will...it is up to us to choose wisely.

 

 

 



Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Over the Rainbow

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Over the Rainbow:     Remember that song...Somewhere Over the Rainbow   "Somewhere over the rainbow Skies are blue, And the dreams that you ...

Over the Rainbow

 

 

Remember that song...Somewhere Over the Rainbow?

 

"Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue,

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true."

 

 

Dreams are funny things, it's said dreams become thoughts, thoughts become actions, actions become reality. I wonder if indeed this is true? I used to believe it..now not so sure. The dedication to those dreams is all consuming, and what it takes to make them come true. Focus seems to be the key, and lacking that focus slows the process significantly. That I KNOW. If there is any one thing I can tell you, it is that dreams do come true only with total dedication and work.  I have become complacent.

 

At my age, I guess that is a way of slowing down, and leaning to enjoy life a bit. I have worked for years, and the plan was for me to retire this year....didn't happen. Yet I find myself scattered through so many things I don't do any one thing justice. So, what is the answer I ask myself? I am tired of being complacent, tired of my own excuses, and weeding out the ideas unattainable has become a type of purging. I had a role for many years, and now set loose on a new path. When I do decide what I want, I am going to give it the all or nothing.

 

I have lost 50 lbs., changed my hair, wear different clothing, and in the process lost a bit of my old self. The edge is gone, along with the competitive spirit. That is a shame really when I think about it, as many tell me, "you're the strongest woman I know..." Which I used to be indeed I believe.

 

When I set up my facebook years ago...my quote was ironically, "you never know how strong you are, until you have to be.." That was a startling revelation when I read it recently. My subconscious must have known something I didn't. I remember coming home from the hospital a few months back, and Steel Magnolias was on, I wept through the entire movie. I knew we had won a few battles, but were to lose the war. And we did......the cancer took over, and then it was finished.

 

The past 11 months have been hard, I have written about it many times, however now the reality is setting in, the healing process is based on forgiving. Forgiving those that have wronged you, forgiving yourself for the part you had in the wrong, As much as we believe or want to believe the other person is at fault in any given situation, we always have a hand in at least 50% of the problem.

After Stan died, we found paperwork I wish we had never found.....there were questions I had, with no answer. I think analytically and quite literally was beyond angry. I have learned recently, that it is of no matter, forgiveness is for me, and a way to set myself free to go on to my new path I have set for myself.

 

The unknown very difficult, I have to rely on my faith. Faith in whatever is out there guiding me, and simply turn it over. We cannot carry burdens alone, and this has been a type of epiphany. While I feel I have dropped the ball in many circumstances and I have, it is time to pick it up and throw the ball to home plate. 

 

 

Now for the relationship part....seeing something for what it is has never been my strong point. Looking beyond that dreamy ideal has been thrust upon me. Which is good actually, as it is never completely as one sees it. I  had the opportunity at the relationship of a lifetime, and I blew it. Basically as I was always dreamily looking for something more. When it was always here in my own back yard. But he is gone now, and at times I look back with regret.

 

Whatever baggage you carry, let it go....forgive, and move on. It's the only way I have found to make life work and to be happy. And with four wirehaired pointers, I am never truly alone. They make their presence known in a big way. Fall is here, and their instincts to hunt strong. Taking their day by day lead a good lesson, day by day slowly and methodically. We can't worry about tomorrow, nor can we dwell in the past. Facing challenges head on day by day, doing the best I can is all I can make out of life just now.