Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: "Firsts"

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: "Firsts": I know it has been a week since my last entry, and this blog has taken a bit of a turn. What started as a funny misadventure, and still is...

"Firsts"

I know it has been a week since my last entry, and this blog has taken a bit of a turn. What started as a funny misadventure, and still is...but that will come later.

Firsts...

When my husband was in his final days, we had many talks before the cancer invaded his brain. He was adamant I move on with my life, and being the naive soul I am, thought that would be easy. As in the death scene of "Terms of Endearment" ...Aurora Greenwood was overcome with emotion when her daughter passed as she thought the loss would be replaced with relief. It's not....

Each and every first has been a challenge. Birthday, Valentine's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, and the 4th of July....
The 4th crept up on me, it was a subconscious type of loss...the other's apparent, but what was it about the 4th? I think it was the smells of cookouts, families laughing, sounds resonating in the neighborhood. A trigger.....a huge trigger. Yes, it catapulted me into a huge depression, one I was totally unprepared for, because I was unaware. The best I could do was a fetal position with a blanket over my head....pathetic huh? 

I had some other factors going on in my life, and those did add to the situation, but definitely not the cause. Perceptions of those situations were somewhat skewed, and the knee jerk reactions that followed were a little bizarre to say the least...

I have been very blessed with a Grief counselor that listens and gently adds her perspective, asking if I agree or disagree. One thing for sure, and all agree....no serious relationships for two years. I will be seeing an "in your face" psychologist simply known as VAL. She comes highly recommended, and in three weeks I enter the hot seat. 

There is no weakness in losing your mind....if only for a short period of time. A person isn't human if they feel nothing after helping a loved one die from cancer. Friends that have gone through what I have know...and I value their perspective. 

"I want to move on....I want it and I want it now!!!!!"  Yep, that's me. I want to control every aspect of feeling, and motion in my life. It is a huge need just now, as it has spiraled, crashed and burned. Now from the ashes comes this person I surely don't know.....she is funny, a lot thinner than she was....hair totally different, style from kindergarten teacher to hmmmmmm.... not sure quite yet, but she is definitely different. And she has some nasty habits....

As the journey progresses....I will keep you updated on her transformation....maybe just maybe she will work her way through all this emotion....I am told by a very good friend "you are strong, and will work through this..." Jury is out on that one...hoping he is right.

One Misadventure....

To keep up the theme of the blog I will share one little story...
Gosh it is hard to choose...let's go with the Mama's boy...

Mama's boy was met initially oh a few months ago....OMG
Where was my judgement on this one? Public place, daytime meeting. I was traveling to western Kansas to pull a pup from a shelter I had been notified about. Passing through his town, I said, well....meet for lunch. 
Oh dear Lord, it was apparent immediately this was a huge mistake. The scary part is he is a retired government employee, and now part time teacher. This guy was straight out of "Li'l Abner"......The red flag should have been when he wanted to meet at "Hooters"...hahahaha

And he still lived with his Mother....at 50...actually he reminded me of Norman Bates...come to think of it.

Within in seconds, I had the creepy crawlies....and frantically started to text blindly under the table to friends..."Help!!!" A friend in her infinite wisdom, and I say that with utmost sincerely...simply called letting me know there was an emergency at home....Brilliant. I couldn't get on the road fast enough...

The lesson here is "don't be polite" ...that's how we get into trouble. My girl friends say as time wears on I will become less polite, and better at it...LOL 
If you walk in, and there is a nagging sensation, just turn around and leave....

Now I Must get busy....am going on a much needed adventurous vacation. Stay tuned!

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Getting Side Tracked

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Getting Side Tracked: Wanted to start my Monday morning with a blog entry. When examining current events of late, I came up with the problem with getting side t...

Getting Side Tracked

Wanted to start my Monday morning with a blog entry. When examining current events of late, I came up with the problem with getting side tracked through self exploration.

When trying on new roles in life, one can become distracted. Trying to mold everything back together has been a bit of a task I did not anticipate. I found myself in the thralls of depression, facing my limitations as a single mom, and taking on the day to day tasks of running a household. Going solo is something I never anticipated long term, and struggling to find that safety net became all consuming. 
In walked a few good friends...

Lucky is when you have incredible people with wisdom in your life. Those that see you drowning and throw you a line. Friends are exactly what I have been blessed with. Surrounding yourself with level headed supportive individuals, those that answer the phone day and night. They truly care, and I often ask myself what if anything did I do to deserve their friendship. 

I am an exhausting person.....have become scattered in my day to day. Yet those that have stood by me have been ever patient and kind. Most would run the other way, as my character flaws have been at an all time high...yet they stay, understand and calmly give perspective. Those that have known me for years know my strengths, and also assure me I will somehow become that Steel Magnolia once again. I have had many lessons in life, and wouldn't trade one circumstance whether good or bad for the world. Those experiences formed who I am, and those strengths are still there.... just being sent into the dark recesses of my being for a time. It's work to overcome and redefine...and I have crawled under a very heavy stone waiting for all of the new and uncomfortable feelings to simply go away, Now, I am peeking out from under the stone which once weighed a ton, to it being feather like. Today I am coming out of my corner of the ring in life swinging. I am indeed a survivor......

Attending the tasks at hand, running the rescue as I should....doing all the day to day seem simple.  Why I woke up with this mindset is due to a "few Good Friends..." This blog is intended as a huge "Thank you" to them. They know who they are.

I was described by my 17 year old as a "funny little woman..." This made me laugh and I find it very endearing. He has pointed out my changes and too lent perspective into my all consuming quest for normalcy. Facing the changes head on is what I am good at....taking a long look in the mirror and making changes in the process also something I am fully capable of. As Erikson pointed out in his theory of lifespan development, each decade has a mission. We grow and change throughout our lifespan. Some say they are set in their ways, this is simply not true nor is it possible. They are comfortable....and become stagnated. I had that choice, but am choosing to examine changes, slow down my hyper self. Think more methodically....thank you Ernie for that. As you have probably figured out, you are but one of the "Few Good Friends...."

Safety First

We have gone over a lot of info on self definition, and the pitfalls of being suddenly single. Now I do want to touch on some safety issues of online blind dating. 

One such instance I can recall putting my trusting self into what could have been a not so good situation. I went from a site where I would get a message now and again, to a site whereas I would get as many as 40 messages per day. As I read profiles, and do work with the public on a daily basis, I pride myself on being the utmost judge of character. For a time I had a dinner date almost every night, meeting all of these fellows carefully selected from lists of those wanting to meet. Most are harmless, and lonely. That to me is the most tragic part, the loneliness. Most only want someone to talk to, wife left...loss of job meaning loss of home and family. Many widowers that had yet to come to terms with their loss. Most times I felt more like a counselor than an actual date. The one such episode of pure mindlessness was when I met a photographer for a midnight picnic. Throwing caution to the wind I had just been dumped by whom I really enjoyed company....and had a tremendous spark. That's another blog however. Although the entire experience appeared romantic, bottle of wine.....cheese, blanket under the stars, it was just plain stupid on my part. My naive sense of security in my own judgement went right out the window....so don't do it!

What I suggest is a meet and greet at a very public place. Pay your own way initially.....even if your date insists otherwise. Paying your own way takes any obligation away from the mindset of either party. Chatting about family, friends, hobbies, and likes or dislikes makes for a good first meeting. Most times one can judge whether or not there is any type of connection. Most times not, as I found to be true. And although the one fellow and I had magic through the keyboard, in person was an entirely different matter. 

The vegetarian and the meat cutter. 

Now this was one such example. Magic through the keyboard, tongue and cheek playfulness, a real spark. When meeting in person in all fairness, he and I both had not a lot of interaction with social graces but silly nilly. I heard about the union strikes, about a loss of job with a large company of 18 years.  While I did listen, it became apparent we had little in common other than playful one liners online.  I am a vegetarian ....LOL. The description of the packing plant made me want to hurl. While we still talk on the phone, a very nice friendship has emerged and I am grateful for that. He listens when I have a really bad day, and is there most anytime I need him.

So to keep from rambling on and on as I have a lot of business to attend to today, just keep in mind to use your head, put your own safety first no matter how stable the person seems. Public places, drive your own car, do not give out personal information, nor your phone number or email address. keep it light. Nine times out of ten, the sad part is you will not wish to see this person again, and they may feel the same. 

We have reached nearly 600 readers on this blog in a mere two weeks, I do so hope this information is a help and eye opener for those ready to take the plunge into life once again!

Redefining Oneself....change is in the air

I gave this entry a lot of thought.....I did some soul searching. What I have come to realize is this. My life was intertwined with another human being, whether good or bad for 30+ years. So now, I'm like a hard drive that is totally fragmented. There's no mouse to click to defrag a human being however. Boy that would make it easy. One has to look long and hard at different personalities emerging...I kinda feel like a "Sybil."

I am awkward in new situations, the Sandra Bullock character from "Miss Congeniality." If I am not awkward physically, I get awkward mentally. I recall statements I have made, and wonder..."where the hell did that come from?" Sometimes insecure, I am almost childlike. Unfortunately, I see this as a weakness....and I get really embarrassed or put out at myself. Friends say, " God Mary, just be yourself...", but I don't know who that is anymore....I used to know, but not now. I feel all these personality traits swirling in my mind trying to congeal....

Just who I am or what I want for myself is still a mystery.... I've lost my edge, the drive that gave me the confident human being I once was. It just sucks some days....this is one of those days.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Little Black Dress, Spandex, and the Doctor

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Little Black Dress, Spandex, and the Doctor: When moving on with life, there are risks. Shutting yourself off from the world is easy for awhile, but the time comes one must get up and...