Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: One Year Anniversary

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: One Year Anniversary: Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of my husband of 38 years. We had the blessing of 18 months to reflect, especiall...

One Year Anniversary

Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of my husband of 38 years. We had the blessing of 18 months to reflect, especially towards the end of his life. We had a rocky relationship, as I am not an easy person to live with. I am opinionated, stubborn, and don't always listen to reason....part of my makeup to buck the system and think outside the box. I don't conform to social norms, and my perspective deep according to those close to me. I tend to analyze the hell out of everything, instead of simply taking it for what it is. Now how would YOU like to live with that? Takes a patient person I guarantee you.

 In the end however, he understood......he told me how proud he was of me for rescuing all the wires for so many years, and he was a part of the decision making. Never did I ever remember him saying "let this one go" or not be concerned about their welfare. It was hard for him to go to shelters with me, as his heart just broke when he saw their confused eyes. He asked me never to take him again. When Peaches, a mama dog with pups came available...he was near the end of his life. I asked him what I should do...."is there any question?" Save them, bring them here....Peaches and her pups came in infected with distemper...which we soon found out. The short time we had them, they were loved.

I learned a lot in the past year, had so much support from family and friends, and so very blessed. I have met new people, established some extraordinary relationships. And deepened the ones already existing. I have learned initially to deal with memories not so good, and let them go. Focusing on the good is necessary for the healing of ones heart. And I promise you, when you are able to look at the big picture, there were those ten fold. The loss taught me to never take those close to you for granted. 

The one thing he persisted on was that I move on, meet a nice person to share my life with. He cared that much and derived peace with my promise to do so. I remember that night too well, and when he went into cardiac arrest talking him into letting go. It was his time, and we were all so tired......my children were involved daily with his care, and they too were stressed to the limit. 

When I decided to move on and write this blog, it was for self preservation. What started to be a funny journey....and it had moments of pure hilarity, turned into a blog of transformation. 

Take another shot....the camera of life. I did......how I found the courage to do so wasn't at the forefront of my decision. It was the extreme loneliness, a void no amount of travel or talking could fill. I saw and still see a grief counselor, she is a gift. While I went in kicking and screaming....has now evolved into a forever friendship. And I have found love once again....I love people, life, and to be happy. I can feel again, and the numbness is gone. I met a wonderful man that is the most caring individual on the planet, and we are just alike in so many ways...and extremely different in others. He is logical/pragmatic...I am, well....kinda a free spirit that doesn't always think things through.AND he is intelligent, neither of us can relate to many.... He has been the logical voice of reason and know he will always be truthful and honest. And he is patient.....and another most important factor, he LOVES my dogs. The feeling is mutual, as they dance at the mere sight of him. I simply don't exist when he is around....which is fine.

So blessed I am at this time of my life.....so very blessed. When all looked so grim and dismal, in walks one of the most loving persons I have ever known.  Do I think Stan had a hand in it all? Why yes I do....where ever he is, he is watching from time to time. And I know he is smiling in approval....he can now move on too, to enjoy whatever is out there beyond this big blue planet. We are all okay, his job done. His old dog is doing well for her 14 years of age, and she too has moved on. 

Embrace life....take another shot. 

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Gambling

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Gambling: This is my Papa in 1929....in front of my Grandfather's Speak Easy.....aka cover Barbershop on Walnut in downtown KC. Yes, it was a ...

Gambling

This is my Papa in 1929....in front of my Grandfather's Speak Easy.....aka cover Barbershop on Walnut in downtown KC. Yes, it was a sign of the times.....interesting albeit a bit vague, Papa shared enough to fit the pieces together, and did elaborate on his experiences as a child. His childhood wasn't the best, they traveled from city to city racing greyhounds on the circuit. I had Grandpa's bookie book....now THAT was an interesting piece of literature.

Gambling.....well, it can be an activity illegal or otherwise, and can be part of life. You take risks and gamble everyday even if you do not recognize it. Moving on with your life is a gamble, and some days is overwhelming or exhilarating depending on the circumstance. Embarking upon paths unknown takes courage, and I commend those that embrace it. I am like one of those scared children entering Kindergarten on the first day.....some rush in with vigor and vim, and some hang on to the parent's leg refusing to let go.

Maybe it is confusion on exactly "which" path to take, I do not have a lot of confidence in my choices, as I have been known to not choose wisely. So for today, I depend on myself to choose wisely. It's there in all of us, we just have to recognize it. Take a gamble, sometimes you win, other times you lose. There is no right or wrong, just lessons in this life.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: The Path

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: The Path:   Lijah Henley's Photos Photo courtesy Of Lijah Henley . An incredible young man that has traveled with National Geographic since h...

The Path

 

Lijah Hanley's Photos

Photo courtesy Of Lijah Hanley. An incredible young man that has traveled with National Geographic since he was 15. Now at 17, I had the opportunity to meet him in Washington State and purchased many of his photos. This particular one struck a cord within me, it is my life just now....and it will grace my wall very soon. Please take a moment to explore by clicking on his name directly under the photo. I think you will be amazed.

 

 

 

Blogging has been a very cathartic avenue for me. While I am so surprised when I get emails from those feeling a common bond, or words of encouragement, I know I can remove myself from my feelings while being empathetic with theirs. This helps immensely.....knowing you are not alone somehow snaps one out of the doldrums of the dark side of thinking.

 

The dark side of thinking is something I have fallen into many times. Plotting my own demise has been an on and off occurrence. Pulling ideas from mobster movies such as the slitting ones wrists in the bathtub, to hanging from the floor joists in the basement, or my favorite putting a gun to my head in the closet through a pillow to muffle the noise. All too painful or messy actually....so again thought about waiting til the first of the month when all medications filled and downing them all with some Russian Vodka. Now before you freak out and have me committed.....know psych 101 will tell you that those that talk about it beforehand rarely carry through with such nonsense. So no worries there okay? Just being honest.......

 

Yes, life is very hard just now....we are approaching the one year anniversary. The roller coaster is clanking with the climb, and the anticipation of the drop eminent. The unknown of such an experience is a bit frightening, an the anticipation of the drop itself is full of fear, yet the hope of survival of the fall with a positive outcome the successful outcome.

 

Moving on this past year has been an incredible journey.  I have done many things such as white water rafting on the second most dangerous river in the nation, to traveling to places I have always dreamed. I have met some incredible people, and yes America has the most interesting people on the planet and the most cherished to me. I have met and been put with people that have survived much worse, and yet I am amazed how they have coped.

 

I have tried on many roles this past year, some I will keep and others I will discard. Going back to school at this particular time in my life maybe not the best decision, but I have made the choice and must continue on and apply myself. I have a time management issue, a procrastination problem that was never part of my life before. This has been a bit frustrating. Today however, I woke up with a new understanding.

 

I was on the online dating sites for the sole purpose of writing this blog.....and free food of course! This I say with satire, but a bit of truth mixed in. I have met some genuinely lovely people, but also realize the safety of being alone. Opening ones heart contains the risk of loss, while many relationships do work, most don't. It's like having the planets fall into complete alignment. It's like entropy, useable to unusable energy. While I am attracted to risk, as I grow older and more mature do I see the emotional downside. Learning to be alone has been padded with some very good friends, one in particular. So for that today I am grateful. One day at a time.....only one minute at a time if necessary. The photo above depicts where I am.....I have a choice, to continue on this path of the unknown which is life or to give up. I choose not to give up, but forge ahead into the fog which covers my path just now.

The bottom line is this: We all have days we would like to give up on life in general. If we are to be honest, brutally....then we acknowledge this and move on. We have choices in life, it's called free will...it is up to us to choose wisely.