Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Over the Rainbow

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Over the Rainbow:     Remember that song...Somewhere Over the Rainbow   "Somewhere over the rainbow Skies are blue, And the dreams that you ...

Over the Rainbow

 

 

Remember that song...Somewhere Over the Rainbow?

 

"Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue,

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true."

 

 

Dreams are funny things, it's said dreams become thoughts, thoughts become actions, actions become reality. I wonder if indeed this is true? I used to believe it..now not so sure. The dedication to those dreams is all consuming, and what it takes to make them come true. Focus seems to be the key, and lacking that focus slows the process significantly. That I KNOW. If there is any one thing I can tell you, it is that dreams do come true only with total dedication and work.  I have become complacent.

 

At my age, I guess that is a way of slowing down, and leaning to enjoy life a bit. I have worked for years, and the plan was for me to retire this year....didn't happen. Yet I find myself scattered through so many things I don't do any one thing justice. So, what is the answer I ask myself? I am tired of being complacent, tired of my own excuses, and weeding out the ideas unattainable has become a type of purging. I had a role for many years, and now set loose on a new path. When I do decide what I want, I am going to give it the all or nothing.

 

I have lost 50 lbs., changed my hair, wear different clothing, and in the process lost a bit of my old self. The edge is gone, along with the competitive spirit. That is a shame really when I think about it, as many tell me, "you're the strongest woman I know..." Which I used to be indeed I believe.

 

When I set up my facebook years ago...my quote was ironically, "you never know how strong you are, until you have to be.." That was a startling revelation when I read it recently. My subconscious must have known something I didn't. I remember coming home from the hospital a few months back, and Steel Magnolias was on, I wept through the entire movie. I knew we had won a few battles, but were to lose the war. And we did......the cancer took over, and then it was finished.

 

The past 11 months have been hard, I have written about it many times, however now the reality is setting in, the healing process is based on forgiving. Forgiving those that have wronged you, forgiving yourself for the part you had in the wrong, As much as we believe or want to believe the other person is at fault in any given situation, we always have a hand in at least 50% of the problem.

After Stan died, we found paperwork I wish we had never found.....there were questions I had, with no answer. I think analytically and quite literally was beyond angry. I have learned recently, that it is of no matter, forgiveness is for me, and a way to set myself free to go on to my new path I have set for myself.

 

The unknown very difficult, I have to rely on my faith. Faith in whatever is out there guiding me, and simply turn it over. We cannot carry burdens alone, and this has been a type of epiphany. While I feel I have dropped the ball in many circumstances and I have, it is time to pick it up and throw the ball to home plate. 

 

 

Now for the relationship part....seeing something for what it is has never been my strong point. Looking beyond that dreamy ideal has been thrust upon me. Which is good actually, as it is never completely as one sees it. I  had the opportunity at the relationship of a lifetime, and I blew it. Basically as I was always dreamily looking for something more. When it was always here in my own back yard. But he is gone now, and at times I look back with regret.

 

Whatever baggage you carry, let it go....forgive, and move on. It's the only way I have found to make life work and to be happy. And with four wirehaired pointers, I am never truly alone. They make their presence known in a big way. Fall is here, and their instincts to hunt strong. Taking their day by day lead a good lesson, day by day slowly and methodically. We can't worry about tomorrow, nor can we dwell in the past. Facing challenges head on day by day, doing the best I can is all I can make out of life just now.

 

 



Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Juggling

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Juggling:   Thought I would try out my new computer. Yes, mine was 6 years old and on its last leg. I had it repaired several times in hopes to k...

Juggling

 

Thought I would try out my new computer. Yes, mine was 6 years old and on its last leg. I had it repaired several times in hopes to keep it alive a bit longer. It was like an old shoe, comfortable....alas, the rescue dogs and my own Baldwin had taken care of the key board in short order. In other words, they had knocked off the keys on the keyboard, making typing a bit hard.

 

 

I realized after my last blog how grateful I should be. I have everything I need, want and desire. I am better off than most, and aside from my obsession with shopping, I really don't need anything. I have my home, wonderful friends, family and co-workers. I love my life, and there is no shame in slowing down to be productive. School is a bit of a challenge at my age, and there have been some hiccups along the way, but tonight they don't seem as important.

 

Oh, the subject line is juggling....well, it could mean many things. Juggling life into my schedule, and juggling the opposite sex. Funny, as early on in this endeavor I was doing just that....juggling. When middle aged women get back into the dating scene, eyes are opened. As for every 50 inquiries, maybe two were decent enough to meet. Which again, I stress to save your money on dating sites. I happened to meet three very nice men, one adorable....one very serious....and one downright funny. The juggling came when all three wanted to see me on the same day. Blocking time and making sure they didn't cross paths was pretty funny when I look back on it. One coming in for breakfast....gone by noon and one there at lunchtime. And there was dinner....LOL. Boy repeating those times was stressful. The serious gentleman basically disappeared, until today when I got a text he was traveling the world. Being a doctor has its advantages.....What we all wouldn't give to be able to pick up and just travel the world. If it were possible I sure would.

 

 

So, for the time being I have cancelled all subscriptions to any of the dating sites. Too many inquiries, too many lonely people, just too much for me to handle. And I am in a relationship....

The kids adore him, and as time goes on I adore him too. These things are not carved in stone however. I know this...but having fun all the same, and enjoying his company to the point of not really wanting to see anyone else at this time.

 

I missed out on the dating scene when marrying my high school sweetie. Although we were young we managed, and had a tremendous friendship. I think he would agree with my choices, I believe I have made good ones. Learning how to manage the house without him has been a bit of a challenge, but am doing fine. My job is not exactly what I want, but as long as I can hang in for another year, I get a decent retirement and I am back in school to change careers. I am young enough to enjoy what time is left, and a generous employment would be the icing on the cake. I want double chocolate with chocolate frosting BTW.

 

My dogs have been such a source of joy. They all have their different personalities, Emma...aka officially Issabel Vom Himmelbogen is a trip. The performance bred drahthaar from Germany has proven to be one of the most cuddly. Balders aka Baldwin needs to be back in agility. He loved going to class and we do plan on it this winter. Gretchen, my love button sleeps with me at night and is the Grand dam at the house. Diva is her nickname for good reason. And old Holly, well she is still kickin at 13.5 years. What I have come to realize between all of my whining, is just this.

I have the best of the best, the whole ball of wax. All I need in the world is here in my own back yard. We take so much for granted, at least I did until this week. When I came to the realization I had it all, and absolutely nothing to complain about. I have met some incredibly interesting people along the way, the journey hasn't been easy....but life doesn't stop for those dull days of self pity. It's time....time to wake up and smell the roses, coffee in the morning....among other things. A nice glass of wine in the evening in the quiet, a good book, and doing a bit of study time is a luxury.

 

On the relationship....it's grand. He is a wonderful, thoughtful person. I enjoy his company and even if it is staying in for the evening a couple times per week, or going shopping....he makes me laugh, and that's all that counts. Pure joy is hard to come by these days, and I intend to not take it for granted.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Kinetic Energy

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Kinetic Energy: When one does a self assessment, or asked twice in one week, " do you listen to yourself?" One has to stop and listen.  There ...

Kinetic Energy

When one does a self assessment, or asked twice in one week, " do you listen to yourself?" One has to stop and listen. 

There is a great injustice to those of us that are allowed to coast through life. When all one has to do is to get up in the morning, have your coffee, and go about your day without a care in the world. My job has always been career, charity, kids, and little else really. This all came to an abrupt halt April 1, 2011.....I had to grow up, and take on responsibilities that were not only uncomfortable, but downright HARD. I had to add an entire list of responsibilities to my plate in regards to running life, and had to be sure not to fail. I teetered back and forth as I had to find the strength, thanks to my close friends that checked in daily. Their words of encouragement sustained me actually. 

But now I have dropped the ball in such a big way....I got through the worst (hoping the worst), time of my life to now ask myself..."now what?" I went back to school, and took 5 hours...thinking this was a way to occupy myself to the point I didn't have to think. Guess what? It didn't. It only added more to the ever full plate of my life. I can't believe I made such an error in judgement in regards to handling all this kinetic energy. I have to face the fact no matter how I feel emotionally, I am 55. Ugh....that hurts to even say it, think it actually. 

I am as high wired as my hunting dogs, which is good if you choose to have a full house of wires. Even they are looking calm these days as I look at my assignments online due like soon. The pressure of perfection has to wane somehow, I just can't keep up this pace. I think I am driving those around me crazy, my intentions good...however, there are few people capable of being patient enough to even want to be around me. 

Well, maybe I should go to India....ok, this is a new one for most of you that know me well. No, it's not a pipe dream, it's an orphanage. One started by the local Catholic church....I had talked to the main priest in charge some time ago, shortly after Stanley's death. Being an early childhood Ed. teacher, I have all the tools to share and promote a quality of life. Then comes the selfish part of me, or maybe it's self preservation...that I need a career to sustain myself the rest of my life. So, that's on the table. More decisions....

I have tried truly to self soothe....kayaking helped so much, I really need to get back to it. Life gets in the way however, and I am determined to make the time....I just have to. You think internal combustion really exists? I hope not, because I am to that point.

I recently talked to a really nice guy I had dated some time back. A fellow kayaker. I asked him point blank, "Why did we stop seeing each other?" His reply was, "because Mary....you ARE the big bang theory....you're kinetic." He simply was too laid back for all this whatever I possess within myself at this time. So any ideas are welcome from friends, readers, followers of this blog. Also, if there are any out there that have experienced this....let me know, tell me it will subside because I just can't seem to chill. I am to the point of burn out, and risk losing all of those relationships that I hold dear. I just have to learn to focus again, set priorities, and get back to it. I just wish it wasn't so unattainable just now. I want a quick fix, and it's just not going to happen. 

Oh and on the subject which this entire blog was meant to be based, just know that life is laid out is my belief, and it is up to us to do the footwork. Whether or not one finds love again, you must love yourself first....or it just isn't going to happen. 

Now time to face another day, rescue dogs need attention....and they are pawing my arm and nudging my elbow as I try to write this. We just have to possess faith that all will work out either one way or another, but always for the best.