Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: "Firsts"

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: "Firsts": I know it has been a week since my last entry, and this blog has taken a bit of a turn. What started as a funny misadventure, and still is...

"Firsts"

I know it has been a week since my last entry, and this blog has taken a bit of a turn. What started as a funny misadventure, and still is...but that will come later.

Firsts...

When my husband was in his final days, we had many talks before the cancer invaded his brain. He was adamant I move on with my life, and being the naive soul I am, thought that would be easy. As in the death scene of "Terms of Endearment" ...Aurora Greenwood was overcome with emotion when her daughter passed as she thought the loss would be replaced with relief. It's not....

Each and every first has been a challenge. Birthday, Valentine's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, and the 4th of July....
The 4th crept up on me, it was a subconscious type of loss...the other's apparent, but what was it about the 4th? I think it was the smells of cookouts, families laughing, sounds resonating in the neighborhood. A trigger.....a huge trigger. Yes, it catapulted me into a huge depression, one I was totally unprepared for, because I was unaware. The best I could do was a fetal position with a blanket over my head....pathetic huh? 

I had some other factors going on in my life, and those did add to the situation, but definitely not the cause. Perceptions of those situations were somewhat skewed, and the knee jerk reactions that followed were a little bizarre to say the least...

I have been very blessed with a Grief counselor that listens and gently adds her perspective, asking if I agree or disagree. One thing for sure, and all agree....no serious relationships for two years. I will be seeing an "in your face" psychologist simply known as VAL. She comes highly recommended, and in three weeks I enter the hot seat. 

There is no weakness in losing your mind....if only for a short period of time. A person isn't human if they feel nothing after helping a loved one die from cancer. Friends that have gone through what I have know...and I value their perspective. 

"I want to move on....I want it and I want it now!!!!!"  Yep, that's me. I want to control every aspect of feeling, and motion in my life. It is a huge need just now, as it has spiraled, crashed and burned. Now from the ashes comes this person I surely don't know.....she is funny, a lot thinner than she was....hair totally different, style from kindergarten teacher to hmmmmmm.... not sure quite yet, but she is definitely different. And she has some nasty habits....

As the journey progresses....I will keep you updated on her transformation....maybe just maybe she will work her way through all this emotion....I am told by a very good friend "you are strong, and will work through this..." Jury is out on that one...hoping he is right.

One Misadventure....

To keep up the theme of the blog I will share one little story...
Gosh it is hard to choose...let's go with the Mama's boy...

Mama's boy was met initially oh a few months ago....OMG
Where was my judgement on this one? Public place, daytime meeting. I was traveling to western Kansas to pull a pup from a shelter I had been notified about. Passing through his town, I said, well....meet for lunch. 
Oh dear Lord, it was apparent immediately this was a huge mistake. The scary part is he is a retired government employee, and now part time teacher. This guy was straight out of "Li'l Abner"......The red flag should have been when he wanted to meet at "Hooters"...hahahaha

And he still lived with his Mother....at 50...actually he reminded me of Norman Bates...come to think of it.

Within in seconds, I had the creepy crawlies....and frantically started to text blindly under the table to friends..."Help!!!" A friend in her infinite wisdom, and I say that with utmost sincerely...simply called letting me know there was an emergency at home....Brilliant. I couldn't get on the road fast enough...

The lesson here is "don't be polite" ...that's how we get into trouble. My girl friends say as time wears on I will become less polite, and better at it...LOL 
If you walk in, and there is a nagging sensation, just turn around and leave....

Now I Must get busy....am going on a much needed adventurous vacation. Stay tuned!

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Getting Side Tracked

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Getting Side Tracked: Wanted to start my Monday morning with a blog entry. When examining current events of late, I came up with the problem with getting side t...

Getting Side Tracked

Wanted to start my Monday morning with a blog entry. When examining current events of late, I came up with the problem with getting side tracked through self exploration.

When trying on new roles in life, one can become distracted. Trying to mold everything back together has been a bit of a task I did not anticipate. I found myself in the thralls of depression, facing my limitations as a single mom, and taking on the day to day tasks of running a household. Going solo is something I never anticipated long term, and struggling to find that safety net became all consuming. 
In walked a few good friends...

Lucky is when you have incredible people with wisdom in your life. Those that see you drowning and throw you a line. Friends are exactly what I have been blessed with. Surrounding yourself with level headed supportive individuals, those that answer the phone day and night. They truly care, and I often ask myself what if anything did I do to deserve their friendship. 

I am an exhausting person.....have become scattered in my day to day. Yet those that have stood by me have been ever patient and kind. Most would run the other way, as my character flaws have been at an all time high...yet they stay, understand and calmly give perspective. Those that have known me for years know my strengths, and also assure me I will somehow become that Steel Magnolia once again. I have had many lessons in life, and wouldn't trade one circumstance whether good or bad for the world. Those experiences formed who I am, and those strengths are still there.... just being sent into the dark recesses of my being for a time. It's work to overcome and redefine...and I have crawled under a very heavy stone waiting for all of the new and uncomfortable feelings to simply go away, Now, I am peeking out from under the stone which once weighed a ton, to it being feather like. Today I am coming out of my corner of the ring in life swinging. I am indeed a survivor......

Attending the tasks at hand, running the rescue as I should....doing all the day to day seem simple.  Why I woke up with this mindset is due to a "few Good Friends..." This blog is intended as a huge "Thank you" to them. They know who they are.

I was described by my 17 year old as a "funny little woman..." This made me laugh and I find it very endearing. He has pointed out my changes and too lent perspective into my all consuming quest for normalcy. Facing the changes head on is what I am good at....taking a long look in the mirror and making changes in the process also something I am fully capable of. As Erikson pointed out in his theory of lifespan development, each decade has a mission. We grow and change throughout our lifespan. Some say they are set in their ways, this is simply not true nor is it possible. They are comfortable....and become stagnated. I had that choice, but am choosing to examine changes, slow down my hyper self. Think more methodically....thank you Ernie for that. As you have probably figured out, you are but one of the "Few Good Friends...."