Safety First

We have gone over a lot of info on self definition, and the pitfalls of being suddenly single. Now I do want to touch on some safety issues of online blind dating. 

One such instance I can recall putting my trusting self into what could have been a not so good situation. I went from a site where I would get a message now and again, to a site whereas I would get as many as 40 messages per day. As I read profiles, and do work with the public on a daily basis, I pride myself on being the utmost judge of character. For a time I had a dinner date almost every night, meeting all of these fellows carefully selected from lists of those wanting to meet. Most are harmless, and lonely. That to me is the most tragic part, the loneliness. Most only want someone to talk to, wife left...loss of job meaning loss of home and family. Many widowers that had yet to come to terms with their loss. Most times I felt more like a counselor than an actual date. The one such episode of pure mindlessness was when I met a photographer for a midnight picnic. Throwing caution to the wind I had just been dumped by whom I really enjoyed company....and had a tremendous spark. That's another blog however. Although the entire experience appeared romantic, bottle of wine.....cheese, blanket under the stars, it was just plain stupid on my part. My naive sense of security in my own judgement went right out the window....so don't do it!

What I suggest is a meet and greet at a very public place. Pay your own way initially.....even if your date insists otherwise. Paying your own way takes any obligation away from the mindset of either party. Chatting about family, friends, hobbies, and likes or dislikes makes for a good first meeting. Most times one can judge whether or not there is any type of connection. Most times not, as I found to be true. And although the one fellow and I had magic through the keyboard, in person was an entirely different matter. 

The vegetarian and the meat cutter. 

Now this was one such example. Magic through the keyboard, tongue and cheek playfulness, a real spark. When meeting in person in all fairness, he and I both had not a lot of interaction with social graces but silly nilly. I heard about the union strikes, about a loss of job with a large company of 18 years.  While I did listen, it became apparent we had little in common other than playful one liners online.  I am a vegetarian ....LOL. The description of the packing plant made me want to hurl. While we still talk on the phone, a very nice friendship has emerged and I am grateful for that. He listens when I have a really bad day, and is there most anytime I need him.

So to keep from rambling on and on as I have a lot of business to attend to today, just keep in mind to use your head, put your own safety first no matter how stable the person seems. Public places, drive your own car, do not give out personal information, nor your phone number or email address. keep it light. Nine times out of ten, the sad part is you will not wish to see this person again, and they may feel the same. 

We have reached nearly 600 readers on this blog in a mere two weeks, I do so hope this information is a help and eye opener for those ready to take the plunge into life once again!

Redefining Oneself....change is in the air

I gave this entry a lot of thought.....I did some soul searching. What I have come to realize is this. My life was intertwined with another human being, whether good or bad for 30+ years. So now, I'm like a hard drive that is totally fragmented. There's no mouse to click to defrag a human being however. Boy that would make it easy. One has to look long and hard at different personalities emerging...I kinda feel like a "Sybil."

I am awkward in new situations, the Sandra Bullock character from "Miss Congeniality." If I am not awkward physically, I get awkward mentally. I recall statements I have made, and wonder..."where the hell did that come from?" Sometimes insecure, I am almost childlike. Unfortunately, I see this as a weakness....and I get really embarrassed or put out at myself. Friends say, " God Mary, just be yourself...", but I don't know who that is anymore....I used to know, but not now. I feel all these personality traits swirling in my mind trying to congeal....

Just who I am or what I want for myself is still a mystery.... I've lost my edge, the drive that gave me the confident human being I once was. It just sucks some days....this is one of those days.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Little Black Dress, Spandex, and the Doctor

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Little Black Dress, Spandex, and the Doctor: When moving on with life, there are risks. Shutting yourself off from the world is easy for awhile, but the time comes one must get up and...

Little Black Dress, Spandex, and the Doctor

When moving on with life, there are risks. Shutting yourself off from the world is easy for awhile, but the time comes one must get up and face it. It's a scary prospect, one must muster the courage within to put life ahead of fear. 

Coming to terms with the fear of going on with your life isn't easy. Being the person I am, I knew one thing...I simply had to get into life once again. So, how did I purpose to do this? 

Well, meeting someone to have dinner with seemed a good start. Out of curiosity, I signed up for a mature over 50 dating site. One of the first men I met was a doctor whom we will call Jeff.

Jeff had lost his wife three years ago due to a pulmonary embolism. While he raised his daughter, and tried to cope with the loss of his wife, he encountered many of the same issues. He had an empathetic perspective that most did not have. Most of us have lost a family member, and it is none less painful, however losing the spouse is much like losing half of yourself. 

Of course Jeff's favorite place was an upscale establishment on the Plaza. While I thought about attire, knowing full well of the dress code, the only frock I had appropriate was the little black dress. I had ordered it some months ago, and put it in the closet. Knowing full well it was a size smaller than what I wore at the time. I needed motivation to continue my weight loss, and hey it worked. However, one must be forewarned of the cut of the little black dress with cap sleeves. I put it on, and quickly realized the front view awesome, side view not so much. 

I had a busy Saturday planned, morning appointments and my nails were a mess. I also realized I was in need of some quality foundations.....in other words, an ass crusher as I so affectionately call it. I have a very small frame, and can weight 96 lbs and still have the bulbous appendage. 
My most endearing physical feature. I say this with the utmost sarcasm. Photo shoot for future blogs, and book at two and meeting Jeff on the Plaza by four. What I opted for was basically a spandex bodysuit to squeeze what I had to a minimum. It worked, the little black dress looked lovely. Nails done in a french manicure, little black dress, black bag, shoes, and one awkward middle aged woman. 

As I rushed to get ready, one of the cups on the bra portion of the adorned undergarment was amiss. As I drove down interstate 35, I happened to look down. What I saw horrified me....OMG, one side normal, and one side beyond lopsided. What happened next  was straight out of "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles..." As I stuck my hand in through the cap sleeve, in a moment I realized it was stuck...there I was cruising at 70 mph in traffic. As I panicked to pull my hand out of the spandex adornment, I nearly hit the side rail....my life flashed before my eyes. 

Jeff was a huge guy, sweet with a strong handshake. He had arrived early and had ordered pomegranate tea. He talked me into the smoked salmon, which was heavenly. We had good conversation, and tremendous laughs. We shared our heartache, final moments with our significant other, and the trials of raising children without backup. I think three hours went by in the blink of an eye. One thing we vowed if we were to see each other again, was to not cry on each other's shoulder. We both needed to seek closure for our own sanity. 

Moving on is not for the faint of heart, but embracing life takes risks and courage. Each day I find a little bit of that courage.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: the Woman in the Mirror

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: the Woman in the Mirror: I was thinking of my next entry while watering the outside floral shop I had planted this year. As I want to keep this blog in chronologic...

the Woman in the Mirror

I was thinking of my next entry while watering the outside floral shop I had planted this year. As I want to keep this blog in chronological order decided to expose the "Woman in the Mirror."

After my husband's death, and a month of eating Panera bread at Hospice House....I didn't like what I saw in the mirror. Good Lord, I looked like Shirley McClain's twin from "Terms of Endearment." My drivers license photo was taken while all was going on and still make clerks jump when I write a check. A sweet young woman actually told me she had never seen a photo not resembling the customer as much as this one....Blessings my dear.

The truth was, I had aged through this experience. I mean, I hardly knew who I was when I took a hard look at myself. I had some wrinkles, love handles, and a dimpled ass. So, in light of the situation, I went vegetarian. Not a tough one for me, I had been brainwashed into thinking protein was only through meats....certainly not. 

The pounds started to fall off, and the woman beneath all that padding started to emerge. So, what was the next step? I looked at a lifestyle lift, they turned me down and said in a few years....okay, what next? How bout following up on some of the late night ads such as for the Derma Wand....a handy little gadget that sends shock treatments into the face to plump up wrinkles, and stimulate collagen production. Well, okay then....ordered with overnight delivery. Trouble is, I did not put on my readers, and thought directions said 15 minutes per day....
they said three. What I turned out with was a pumpkin face with eyes swollen shut like I had a bad bee sting allergy. OMG....I applied ice bags, preparation H to my face out of desperation...nothing helped. 

When I resigned myself to the possibility of being a cyclops the rest of my life, swelling started to go down....Thank you God! 
So what's next? Why of course trying to get rid of the saggy baggy elephant effect. Yes, you lose a fair amount of weight, and that's what you have. I decided to start running....of course I needed the compression suit, and special trail runners. The compression suit by the way, when you manage to pull it on....makes you look about ten pounds thinner. So worth the rolling around on the floor, bed, any hard surface while thrashing about. The Weather not cooperating, so the treadmill was put to good use. Holy cow was I out of shape, and still am but I don't fall off panting onto the floor like I used to. Most of you know my dog Baldwin, he has run the treadmill since he was four months old...so have a partner.

Next purchase was a a professional Diamond Derma-abrasion machine. With my skin condition, I justified the purchase. Looks like something from a dentist office, large and bulky. While I haven't used it on my face, (after the last experience), my skin is really responding. 

I won't go into the other multiple purchases on creams such as "face lift in a jar." They don't work...so save your money. 

The best advice I can give on moving on is this. Eat healthy, exercise, get out with friends, get a hobby, and most importantly...be comfortable in your own skin. We all have wonderful gifts bestowed upon us. Don't sell yourself short....I was trying to get healthy, and it is so worth it. I really feel great. 

Next entry will be on "the little black dress and the doctor" so watch for it!

Curiosity Killed the Cat

When my husband of 30 plus years died from terminal cancer several months ago, I was lost and lonely. While I used to derive incredible pleasure and cleansing from writing, all was dormant. I had chronicled his battle with cancer beforehand, his struggles, my feelings, and while I did receive cards and letters for which I was grateful, little could be done to stop the disease than engulfed his entire being. The one thing understood, was that life goes on, and he detailed exactly what he hoped for me. Having the mind of an engineer does that, no detail was left without instruction.

Loneliness in itself is a type of disease. One can be surrounded by the dearest friends and relatives, which I am so lucky to have been blessed, it's the day in and out of the simplest design of life. I made observations such as my suit from the funeral folded neatly and placed on the chair for months, half pot of coffee thrown out daily, and the favorite chair empty.  All the tough years dissolved into dust, and the laughter resonating loud enough to still hear in the distance. 

I was so blessed to have those 18 months of time, although much of it was full of suffering, there were more blessed times than bad. All said and done, future plans that would never materialize, hopes and dreams killed in an instant. The fear and embarrassment of being in hospice for those final days were hard to watch. I had to put on my big girl drawers, suck it up and confront doctors that refused to allow me to dictate his final days. I made a promise of no pain, and I was not about to back down. He lost consciousness on the Tuesday night before Thanksgiving, and was gone by Thanksgiving evening. Oh do I remember that evening far too well....he waited, and I talked him through cardiac arrest. Those moments have haunted me on a daily basis until I forced myself to move on as he wished. Don't get me wrong, they still creep in as I write this, is something I would not wish on my worst enemy. 

As I knew in my soul, writing being the one thing that helped purge unbearable feelings throughout the above journey, I decided to write again. Subject matter was debated for weeks, and I landed on the moving on aspect of life. I am a young widow, too young. This part of life too unbearable to even glance towards, purging through words seemed the most likely remedy to help me personally. Not for everyone, but my life has always been an open book. Those that know me I am sure are getting quite a chuckle just now. 

While I detail my experiences in the coming weeks, I will cover safety issues, personal issues, thoughts and feelings. One just has to go through it to understand all it involves. While I shook my head as I watched and judged friends rebounding from divorce as they grasped for that safety that comes from a relationship, did I realize the unfairness of such judgement. Some friends are stronger, some like me are people oriented. While I am told how strong of a person I am, it doesn't make me any less vulnerable. The invincible feminist  either never existed, or she became dormant in a deep sleep of self preservation. 

Believe me, curiosity did indeed kill the cat.