Out with the Old

Ridding my storage room of the past

Much has happened since April when I published my last blog. I had the three year anniversary of my late husband's diagnosis, had worked through some tough emotions, and have somehow found peace. I have dropped the "Misadventures of Online Dating" from the title of this blog. I haven't dated anyone else in a year, and have found my soul mate. We had many ups and downs, trying to figure out the course we chose to take either alone or as partners. Both of us had gone through some of life's most difficult challenges, situations that I would wish on no one. I was going through redefinition, a journey that required a good hard look in the mirror. I had a lot of regrets, a lot of "would have, should have, could have." I read many books and articles designed to help those of us suddenly alone. I had to do a lot of soul searching, face my decisions of the past. What I learned was simple: there is no going back. We do not possess the power of turning back time, and we are human. Flawed and gifted, we all have the ability to move on, or remain in the past. I think the time comes when one has exhausted all analysis of the past, and then those fears and regrets simply become extinct.

My youngest moved out and went to college and shares his life with a wonderful young woman I adore, my middle son found a wonderful job and is currently looking for a home of his own. My oldest son and daughter bought an incredible new home and my Grands are excelling in school and sports. It's been exciting to watch them grow and become successful with their lives.

So many changes come with emotion and some uneasy feelings of anticipation. We simply have to move on and rejoice with the fact how very lucky we are. I will share with you a post oddly enough I picked up on Facebook. How very true and exactly where I am just now.

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Anniversaries .....

Nifty Over Fifty...Misadventures of Online Dating: Anniversaries .....: Today marks the two year anniversary of my late husband's diagnosis. We had gone to the hospital the night before with him not being...

Anniversaries .....

Today marks the three year anniversary of my late husband's diagnosis. We had gone to the hospital the night before as he was not able to breathe. We came in with a dangerously low oxygen level, then down to x-ray. Within a half hour, they were wheeling him down for a CAT scan, our family doctor came in on his day off accompanied with pulmonary doctors. It all happened so fast, a frantic pace. They informed us there was something huge on the x-ray and CAT scan. Around 1:am three oncologists came into the room after we were settled. 

I remembered thinking, "don't they ever sleep?" I was naive in my thinking as the facts were not spelled out just yet, and the biopsy scheduled for the morning. I was told it would be closer to lunch, and at 8:am I arrived to find them wheeling him off. Dr. Burns would be doing the biopsy. I asked him if it was cancer, and he replied.."What I saw on that CAT scan frightened even me. Yes, it is cancer...but what type we will need to find out." 

As I sat in the family waiting room...my oldest son frantically texting me for information, I felt cold. I was  there waiting around two hours....and then Dr. Burns came in, grabbed a box of kleenex off the reception desk and asked me to follow him to a private room. That's when I knew...that's when the battle began. It was large cell stage 4, our only hope was to buy time.

I remember having to tell the boys, I don't recall if I told them everything. He was given 3 months. I flat out told the doctors, well... warned them actually to not hold back anything from me. Stan did not care to know the particulars, and that is how he dealt with it all. I on the other hand wanted to know what we were up against, and how to maneuver through it. On that day I became an advocate for a dying individual. That's a mighty big role to fill, and one I was pushed into. One never knows how strong you are, until you have no other choice.

Our battle lasted 18 months. He had a will like none had ever seen, and until he was ready did he go. I will never forget the support from my Facebook friends, family, close friends through it all. Was astounding the support we received. I remember going into hospice house early one Sunday morning to find my friend Ann holding his hand. He looked at me and said, "Ann's here, and she's holding my hand." The cancer had gone into his brain, and he was childlike in many ways. He was so sweet, and kept his humor til the end. The nurses loved him so, one in particular named Cheryl. He chose to die on Cheryl's shift, with Tim another nurse. 

Cheryl had sent me home to get some sleep, it was Thanksgiving and Jason my oldest had cooked dinner that evening. I checked in at 9:30 pm, and he was unconscious. She told me to rest and she would call with any change. I was drifting into a deep sleep when my phone rang. It was Cheryl, and I was to come immediately. 

I fumbled for my phone while driving, and for the life of me I swear it was not in my purse. I dumped my purse out on the seat and I know it was not there. As I look back now, that was no mistake because when it was all over, and I sat next to his dead body, I looked down and there it was in plain sight on top of all of my junk in the purse. He hadn't wanted me to call the kids, this was our time alone.

Stan had one foot on either side for a couple of days. He was visiting with his loved ones that had passed on. Eyes closed, he shared their conversations and allowed me to speak to them through him. The Hospice House was a magical place I was told by one of the doctors, and indeed it was. 

Cheryl and Tim stayed with me as I requested. I rubbed his arm, stroked his hair and told him to go into the light. I was given holy water blessed by a bishop that I had been giving him on a sponge as he could no longer swallow. Cheryl then called the kids....we knew it would be a matter of minutes. She asked Tim to get her stethoscope....his heart had stopped, but he kept breathing. Then it all stopped. It was finally over.

I called my youngest, and the first thing out of his mouth was, "is it over?" Jason and his wife Tess came in just after he had passed. I told them, "he's gone." It didn't register with them, and I had to repeat. 

We sat with his body for three hours, and by 4:am we had to allow them to get him ready to be picked up by the funeral home. The lights flickered once or twice before we left....which Stan said he would do. We knew he was okay, and had made it. 

Tess followed me home, I made coffee, as Jason was to pick me up to go make arrangements at 9:am. Stan didn't want a funeral, but we did a wonderful memorial service which was standing room only. Friends, co-workers, bosses all spoke so eloquently to all of us. He was so very respected and loved. One of my dearest friends made Stan's urn, not knowing just one year later he would also pass. 

Writing about this is cathartic....just an anniversary that had crept up on me. Looking back, I do not see how we got through it. Just know your life can change forever in just one day. Don't take those you love for granted.....rejoice in each and every day. Tell them you love them, and embrace every moment. 

Fools Rush IN..

Hummmmm...."Fools Rush In" ....

I have had to do a lot of soul searching lately. I do not consider myself in a tight relationship anymore due to being turned off by lack of courage and commitment . When a relationship is good as it gets, and is constantly being reduced to rubble, it's time to take personal inventory. 

Maybe "I" am the problem...or maybe not. I want the relationship from the "Notebook"....because that is what I had for a time in my marriage with my late husband. So maybe I will have to be satisfied with that. I guess I would rather have a few years of "Special", than a lifetime of mundane and second guessing.

Do I rush in? Most likely.....I live that way, I learn through those experiences. If a relationship is awesome...then go with it. If feelings are not on equal ground....then it's a no win. Best to move on in those circumstances because it just isn't going to work. 

Beware of a partner that takes no responsibility for failed relationships....truth be known it takes two. Of course most all of us know this already. A crack forms due to fallout from mistakes made, and never truly reconciled. It takes a lot of communication, and if your current partner refuses to hear you, or huffs and puffs at the thought of discussing a concern you have, then is the time to take inventory. Even if it is your own. Make a pro/con list and be honest. Take a good look at your list.....it's tough but you owe it to yourself to do it.

The best advice I have gotten lately has been to look within. What makes YOU happy....what do YOU want out of life? When YOU are courageous enough to cease to rely on others for your happiness, and actually fulfill YOUR life the answers come. 

I don't have time for it all. My plate is so full, and I am so busy. And again the worst type of loneliness is being in a relationship that makes one feel lonely. 

#relationships, #life, #Love

It's Complicated

Well, he said I couldn't use his name.....he forgot to mention a photo. (evil grin) While he is a darling, sweet, generous man, he is also one of the most complicated individuals I have ever encountered. We are, from my perspective, very dear friends. He says we are more than friends...and we are, neither of us can pinpoint exactly "what" we are. We're both middle age, both gone through some tough experiences, and the relationship complicated to define. We see each other as often as possible, but with weather and the drive, we will have less time together. When the spring comes, he'll be on the golf course....and I'll be on the lake kayaking, at the horse barn, or at the field with the dogs on sunny days. We have committed to make the time, and still have time for ourselves. I think that's what works here, being respectful and self confident enough to live our lives as partners and individuals.

When relationships are new, there are some tough hurdles when getting to know each other. Especially when  two stubborn individuals set in ways of thinking find each other. While I enjoy differences, debating thoughts and current events, things can get a bit sticky. Besides, "E" doesn't like questions. I taught preschool, K4 & K5 for many years, and face it....we ask questions. In depth conversations I so enjoy are somewhat rare, but when we have them....pure gold.

 I was dumped by my grief counselor, she saw no more need for us to continue. She helped me through some very tough moments, and I will be forever grateful.  I am just starting to branch out and settle down. I am finding my old self, and more secure the world won't stop turning if this or any relationship wouldn't work out. I had to look within myself for that person that was once a go getter, a hardcore "enjoy each moment" person. When my husband died, it shook me to the core. Finding oneself is a difficult task for some after so many years of a particular role. Being alone difficult for some of us, and resolving oneself to learn to be alone, and still happy has finally cracked the surface. The secret is to simply look in the mirror, and give yourself time. You can't be happy with anyone else, until you are genuinely happy with yourself. And most importantly, you must have faith.